Just when you thought all of your hard work was paying off, and your girlish (or boyish) figure was being restored, someone brings cake to the party. Your FAVORITE cake. Stupid cake.
This is no secret muthahhh fuhgahhhs
The fact that I’ve been fighting off a bout of some muthahhh fuhgahhhn dizziness is no secret. The cat is out of the bag.
Fighting is a good word for it. I’m about ready to unleash the flying monkeys on that badass muhthaaah fuhggahhn dizziness. Why? Because dammit, I will not stop doing what I love or need to do because parts of my body do not want to cooperate from time to time. I’m over that shit.
So today, wobbly as I was, I went and kicked some ass at my regular workout (a video of what I do is here). I am also a certified trainer in this hell-but-love-the-results workout.
I did it despite the vertigo for two reasons: 1) because this is what we must do, if we do not want to become FAT, wobbly Jabba-the-Huts; and 2) This weekend is my high school reunion, and I want to ROCK IT.
But while I was working my ass off (no pun intended, but it’s relevant), I was telling the instructor (who knows about all of my surgeries from the last couple of years) how not only have I been struggling with this damned vertigo, but I was in two car accidents within a span of a week, which caused some severe whiplash. She responded with an appropriately astonished “Oh my GOD!” So, I replied, “Yeah! It’s as if something out there wants to “get” me! I tell ya!”
Then she did it. The thing I hate to hear from people who think they know why you got sick, or you had to have surgery, or take out a loan, or go bankrupt, or whatever… She said that “law-of-attraction” speak… something like “Not if you “Secret” that thing away…”
I quickly laid it out for her and said, “Oh… don’t you worry. I’ve got that thing down. I’m all for it.”
But really?
That just annoys me, because I could whoop her ass in the law of attraction department, like I invented it. Seriously. I was telling myself and my thoughts what was what way the f*ck before the book or movie “The Secret” was even a spark in someone’s mind. I have lept and SEEN the friggin net appear before my eyes, so when she tried to “correct” my line of thinking… oooh… she was just lucky I was otherwise detained and trying to maintain balance on the machine of pain and death.
I hadn’t even told her about the horrendous fall I took during the Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood book cover photo shoot (I spared her the shock and awe), which only compounds my theory that there are forces we know not of at work sometimes, and we have to be on top of our game. Perhaps that would have shut her up.
Suffice it to say – I’ve got this shit people. And when you’ve got it (the Secret plan… the Law of Attraction… the Visualizing and Creating stuff), and all your bills are paid, and you have actually manifested the shit out of every detail in your life, and never had a cold or gotten sick – well then, maybe you are in a place to “correct” my thinking.
I’d better go take some hormones before someone besides me gets hurt.
Sunshine and libations at sea
“Beware the combination of libations and sunshine at sea.” ~
That’s what my tombstone would have read, if I’d died while stumbling and rolling my tuckus over to the bow to pose for the following spider girl photo (and oh yes, there were more…) on a recent sailing trip with friends. We were like every drunk girl that ever hit the dance floor! You know, the ones who think they are the sexiest, divalicious babe in the club after a few cocktails? This was us on the boat. We couldn’t get enough photos of ourselves.
It was fun, I must admit. And it could even be considered arrogant to complain in anyway about sailing with our friends. But I daresay I will most definitely lean more toward drinking WATER while on the high seas next time.
It can’t be safe to crawl around the bow in a condition that would probably get me a DUI if I were stupid enough to drive.
Let’s just leave it at this: I woke up from a “nap” on the boat and was foggy about whether I’d eaten my sandwich and how long I’d been out. When the photos surfaced, I was foggy still. But then again, this is what sunshine and libations at sea will get you.
Happy Feet
Most feet are happy to be propped up on a table, at an outdoor cafe, on the beach.
Knock yourself out. Put your feet up people.
Because they’re calmer
That’s what MC Nugget says, anyway… Just go with it. We must indulge the Nugget now and then.
It’s probably not a good idea to exercise
It’s probably not a good idea to exercise when you’re staying at a friend’s home and you’ve been drinking copious amounts of wine… in Sonoma County.
WINE country, people.
M.C. Nugget and I took a trip up the coast to Sonoma this past spring. We made a pact to do three sets of thirty abdominal exercises every night before bed, because of the horribly fattening foods that awaited us at every stop, and because we knew we wouldn’t get any exercise otherwise.
We actually stuck to this plan pretty religiously. And then our good pal who owns a winery in Healdsburg (whose home we were staying in), followed us up to our room one night, as we laughed and stumbled upstairs to do our ab “exercises.”
We proceeded to roll around the floor like drunk roly-polies. She apparently captured this on her iPhone, which will NEVER appear here. I have my limits.
Apparently we were “on a roll” and I was saying, “Come on honey! Let’s do Happy Baby! Now let’s do Plow!” I had M.C. trying to do upside down Yoga postures (also called inverted postures) after drinking for hours on end. He’s such a good sport.
Suffice it to say, we did NOT look like this:
But we did keep our promise to each other. That’s all I care about, I swear.