Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood

My Zany Years Spent Working in Tinsel Town

Ms. Cheevious

For those times when losing doesn’t suck

by

I’ve learned that the most brilliant ideas and life’s funniest moments happen when you least expect it.

Also, I do not need alcohol to wax brilliant… or funny.

Imagine that.

That said, it’s officially NFL Season; the time of year when M.C. Nugget pays good money to join an NFL football pool. I’m not at all against this. In fact, I’m totally FOR winning. It’s the losing part that bites.

So, when Nuggie and I went out to our neighborhood bar for some football action, we had every intention to enjoy the slaughter of the Denver Broncos by the Baltimore Ravens (the reigning Superbowl champions), even though the game was played in Denver. Our intentions were due to the fact that Nuggie did not “pick” the Broncos who were favored by seven points. It would have been OKAY if the Ravens lost… they just couldn’t allow the Broncos to win by more than seven.

BUT WAIT!

 

Mystery Science Theatre

 

There is a point to this that has nothing to do with football.  If you aren’t a football fan, it’s okay. I’ll break it down for you. The Ravens lost. Like the WORST loss any team can almost EVER, in a gajillion years, lose by. This didn’t bode well for our NFL watching experience. It certainly didn’t stroke our spiritual egos either, since we sent every kind of positive intention and telepathic mojo out to the Ravens to stop dropping the ball, to crush the Broncos who had the ball, and to actually SCORE points.

As a result Nuggie, our friend Bogey and I were given to sheer utter silliness. We joked, made faces, even reenacted the especially funny parts more than once. This aided in turning the evening into an overall pleasant experience… a miracle, people, trust me.

But then I had the brilliant idea: Remember Mystery Science Theatre 3000? We’ll do that for football and call it The REAL NFL BS. All we need is a camera crew so people can see and hear everything first hand and experience the brilliance. Funny how a camera crew always seems to be required when we’re at a bar. Huh… At least we can’t blame the alcohol this time.

But you see? Losing doesn’t always suck.

 

 

When this goes it’s all over

by

Yesterday I went into the bathroom and almost peed through my cute little undies.  This was not a move of desperation, like oh my god, I gotta go so bad, I’m gonna’ pee my pants. No, I simply forgot to drop my drawers.

Thank god I realized what was happening before I embarrassed myself, but this thing got me thinking.

First, I thought Damn hormones… so this is what it means when it says hormone replacement therapy can cause dementia? That’s it. I’m going off hormones, even if it means I’ll be a shriveled up old lady before I’m fifty. 

But wait, there’s more. Though most times it’s the lack of hormones that causes weigh gain in women, hormones are also partly to blame for fighting my every effort to stay fit, lean and GOH-JUSS. Stupid, bi-polar hormones. And when I say fight, I mean they fight me like a bulldog that has a hold of a chunk of steak. You gotta surgically remove the steak from that dog’s mouth.

Like that.

And yes, pun intended. I have seriously considered lipo.

So, BONUS. Without hormones, I’d be a skinny, shriveled prune before I’m fifty.

As I pondered what was (or wasn’t) going on in my mind when I almost peed my panties, I had an epiphany.

There are a boatload of stories that have been played out in movies, on television and in books of elderly people who forget where they are or can’t find their way home. These are the stories of people with dementia, and I thought, IT’S JUST LIKE THAT. 

Going to the bathroom is something so familiar we don’t have to “think” about it. It comes by ROTE, as does driving home, remembering our phone number or ATM pin.

 

I said to Nuggie “You know I’ve enjoyed our time together. So as long as you don’t mind when I become a skinny wrinkly mess, we’re good. Because when my ROTE goes, it’s all over.”

I was pretty damn proud of my discovery too. GOD I am good. I wonder if neuro or geriatric surgeons realize this? I know they talk about short term memory loss, but have they really analyzed this shit? Have they factored in the ROTE?

What about the ROTE FACTOR?

ROTE you guys! I can’t live without that at such a young age!

Then I realized how utterly Lucille Ball-esque this situation was. So what if I sat down on the toilet and almost peed through my lacey thong? It’s not the first time I’ve done something and reminded myself of the brilliant redheaded comedienne in the sky (minus the brilliant and of course, the sky part). She would totally be all over this piece of work if she were still living today. Maybe not the peeing part, but the FUNNY, people. The funny.

So I decided to give this hormone replacement therapy thing a while to find its sea legs. But I won’t let it go on forever, that’s for damn sure. Because you guys, if I go out of the house naked one day, you’ll be responsible for taking care of me.

You’re good with that, right?

alzheimers

 

 

 

The difference between humans and chimps

by

When a man like M.C. Nugget gives a gal the key to his apartment (not to mention, allows her to move in a year later), it is a momentous occasion worth submission to Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

I admit (and so would he), Nuggie had never met anyone like me before. He was caught unaware… more like shocked into sharing. His little black book didn’t know what hit it.

So imagine my surprise the other day when while out for a snack he said “Wait… look at me. Smile?” 

I said, “What? Do I have something green in my tooth?”

“No… (reaching over the table) a piece of pepper.”

AND THEN HE SCRAPED THE PEPPER FROM MY TOOTH. 

I was a little shocked and secretly flattered, but I couldn’t resist asking with a chuckle “So, are you grooming me now?  Are you gonna’ eat it too?” 

“Yes,” he joked. “Me and the chimps baby! We’re not that different!

The difference is that I have dipping sauce!“

 I laughed, “What do you mean? Like hot sauce?”

“Nope… Chocolate.  That’s right baby. The difference between humans and chimps? DIPPING SAUCE.”

Chimps

Yes, I live with this ball of non-stop humor AND I have a key. Get in line people.

 

 

When it is time to consult a higher power

by

This morning M.C. Nugget and I got up, and jumped into the day. Last night we went to the Santa Monica Pier’s Twilight Concert to hear Trombone Shorty from New Orleans.

Somehow I managed to pose for this decent photo.

DSC01594

After a great evening with friends, I woke up this morning feeling pretty playful.

At about 10 AM, after I’d already unleashed a can of cool on Twitter and Facebook, and any other place that would listen, Nuggie announced he was off to the gym to get in a quick workout, among other things. This could have ruined my day. I love working out, but my schedule is totally WRECKED since my hormones finally kicked in, and I wasn’t sure if I could make a workout happen today.

When he first said he was going to the gym, I immediately said, “I would LOVE to workout!” I looked up and to the right and contemplated my day, when I realized I was inadvertently holding my breasts.

I don’t know what you are envisioning in this moment, but it’s not what you think.

It’s like my hands were just… on them while I thought about it.

I immediately realized what I was doing, and you guys, this is where it gets brilliant!

Without blinking an eye, I kept my hands where they were and kept my gaze up and to the right as I squeezed them just a little and said, “Let me consult the boobies.”

Admit it: Boobies could be considered a higher power in MANY situations.

Still… M.C. hasn’t been the same since.