So… without getting overly personal (yeah right), I’m going to tell you something only a few people on the planet know about me.
Okay, it’s somewhat personal.
I wear a medical patch that strategically releases essential medication through my skin into my blood stream on a daily basis. This patch makes the existence of “somewhat normal Lisa” possible. Without this patch, “Bitchy, homicidal Lisa” swallows up somewhat normal Lisa and mutates into a giant, sledgehammer wielding psychopathic, yellow-eyed monster, destroying everything in her path.
(I admit, when tasked with drawing a super scary, psychopathic killer female, I ended up with some kind of sexy she-devil. One could argue seduction by sledgehammer is a little freaky, though.)
The patch is supposed to dole out HORMONES, AS-NEEDED people. It keeps the evil beast sequestered into the dark recesses of the mind, and hidden deep beneath the surface, where there is only sunshine, butterflies, bubble gum and twinkle lights… If the patch doesn’t do its job, LOOK OUT. No one wants to be around Bitchy, Homicidal Lisa.
I think we can all agree the patch is a friend to us all.
Then, recently the pharmacy changed the patch I use (my insurance quit covering the usual one and I was back to the TORTILLA sized generic one I thought I’d rid myself of months ago).
It wasn’t until I’d been wearing the new patch for about a day that I noticed something was off.
It started when general (fairly usual) computer glitches interrupted my work flow. It’s a bit foggy now, but I believe I was trying to sync something from my smart phone to the Big Screen, when I yanked the chord from my phone and flung my poor Samsung across the room.
Then I went out into the world.
When I returned home, I was shaky, sweaty, weak in the knees with heart palpitations, presumably returning home from my first kill. I told M.C. Nugget that perhaps something was wrong with my patch.
“Really?” he said, backing slowly away.
“Yep! flailing my arms around wildly as I spoke, “I hurled expletives that I never say on the road today!”
I said all of this with eyebrows raised. Do you KNOW how insane that looks, you guys?
“And… I actually entertained the idea of running over a little old man in a hat when he ran across Venice Boulevard, willy nilly. THERE WAS NO CROSS WALK NUGGIE! He just zipped across, hoping we would all see him and no one would hit him.”
I paused.
I was about to go on, when Nuggie asked “So you think it’s the new patch? What do you think is wrong?”
“It’s generic! GENERIC! It’s probably made of cardboard or something.”
“So….” he began, “You can’t cut off another half of one, and put it on too, can you?”
Leave it to Nuggie to make me laugh in a moment of utter TERROR.
But I actually thought about it for a second. “I HARDLY HAVE ROOM ON MY ASS FOR ONE PATCH!” I laughed. “Can you imagine?”
[REMEMBER THIS FROM WHEN I USE TO WEAR THE SAME PATCH:
It’s big enough to make a burrito]
Then, thinking about it a little more I said, “But you’re probably right. I wish I had enough patches to wear a patch and a half!”
Then he did it.
M.C. Nugget ended with this, and dammit, I wish I could take the credit. He laughed and said, in his best Ms. Cheevious, bitchy girl impersonation: “I have a patch-and-a-half habit DAMMIT! I NEED THEM! Give me more patches! “
A patch-and-a-half habit. We’re talking a SERIOUS addiction here.
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Blog content copyright 2015, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms.Cheevious.
MsCheevious
Ms. Cheevious is the alter-ego of Lisa Jey Davis (former publicist, and television talent manager, current award-winning writer & author, & health and fitness pro). Though Ms. Cheevious has become known for humor via the blog and social media, offering a lighter and brighter look at life… the blog was originally a precursor to Lisa Jey's long overdue book "Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood" which offers a fabulous, funny peek into what really goes on behind the scenes in Hollywood… a Hollywood with Lisa Jey and her funny “serendipities” in it. Think Lucille Ball meets Chelsea Handler meets the girl next door (with a little chocolate and vodka). It depicts with hilarity the innocent mistakes Lisa Jey made when launched back into the big, bad single jungle, as an unassuming single-mother in the City of Angels. It’s also about the beautiful, interesting life she led while her loving, incredible sons kept her grounded and sane amid fantastic events, new friends, parties and field trips. It also shows the turmoil and heartbreak that comes with dating and single mom life. All blog content © 2015 Ms. Cheevious aka Lisa Jey Davis
Thank God for M.C. Nugget and the half patch that could! Sorry about the toritillas on your badonkadonk.
Yup. BADONKADONK. My new favorite word!
I suggest you take the remaining ones back to the pharmacy and in your best super scary, psychopathic killer female mode, demand a fresh box.
Good idea Onisha. I think I will!!!
Oh. My. Word. You are SO funny!! Hormones are from the devil! Where can I get one of those patches?
You are just so funny. Not funny that you have to go through this, but funny none-the-less. I hope you figure out a way to get the tortilla sized patch off your tush… Why can’t they make them stamp-sized? Or embed them in a band-aid so they look totally normal?
YA THINK ELYSE? LOL!!! The OTHER patches *are* like that… and clear too… Sniff sniff… I miss them so.
Years ago I was on a hormone pill that suddenly was causing everything that we fear. I went to the doctor in tears and she said, “Is your husband waiting outside?” I nodded, wiping my red nose, and she went to get him. She explained the process of “getting off the pills” to my husband with me sitting there in the room and then she said, “If she suddenly starts going psycho on you, come right back in and we’ll adjust the dosage.”
That gave me a wake up call, the hormone drug was STRONG medication that I made me addicted. If the doctor had to instruct my husband, I was obviously not in my right mind. I started doing research and learned that soy supplements could give me a mild hormone effect so I found a company that made good tasting soy drinks and food bars. That saved me from going psycho while I got off the drugs and I still use the products. Of course I was just going through menopause which should give “men a pause before they speak out of turn” and keep plenty of tissue on hand. I recommend Revival Soy for an extra dose of natural hormones, available at revivalsoy.com. 🙂
Ahhhhh… yes… the days of pig urine hormones. They were highly addictive. These are not quite as dramatic as I painted… But well… I mean… Oh never mind…. *typing r-e-v-i-v-a-l-s-o-y-.-c-o-m*
How is the Samsung?
Long ago, we opted for wall to wall carpeting (except a couple of little patches… one in the kitschn and one in the bathroom. We did this for these such occasions. The phone is just fine. We think.
Generics are fine – most of the time but sometimes it takes the real meds to work. My wife takes a stomach pill and the insurance decided she didn’t need it and simple generic should do the trick. Wrong! We have this routine in place: real meds for 3 mos, generics for a little over 1 mo while we fight to get back on the real meds. Even with the doctor’s slip, the insurance fights us. Good luck – check w/ your doctor and see if you can get the real thing. Most of us can slip back and forth between Coke and Pepsi, but there are some who just need the Real Thing. Good luck. Oh, and uh, when we do get to meet – make sure you got on a real patch or a double whammy of the generic! Thanks.
HA!… We’re all just 1/2 a patch away from madness!!
Why yes…. yes we *ARE* nuggie! LOL
Now, ONLY NOW, do I know where that ‘severe’ came from. We could have been seriously at risk, you must have needed another half those days. Was I ever lucky to be lazy enough not to do myself any harm, but loved you anyway.
HA! Eaeme! the joke’s on you, because I wasn’t in need of the patch back then! MWAHAHAHA.. when it comes to shaping the hot bods of the masses, SEVERITY is my middle name. Right next to FLUFFY PILLOWS.
Aaww baby girl, so sorry that monstrous devil Lisa had to make an appearance, but at least you were able to laugh at it….after you were properly medicated 😉 Keep your chin up and your butt properly patched with tortilla sized meds chickie, haha
So so so funny – I can JUST see you. Thank goodness for MC!
HAHAHA!! Although I have never come across bithcy Ms. Cheevious, only smiley happy patch-and-a-half one!! Anyway, love the drawing and the post. You are too much. (I will avoid Venice until further notice…)
If this is what makes you so awesome, patch it up! It’s important we are selfaware and this post shows that you definitely are and don’t mind sharing it! Loved it Lisa!
Thanks for sharing your story!! Haha sometimes we ALL need that extra “patch” to keep us going. Whether it’s hormones, Vodka, Wine … you know the things that help us get through the day sometimes! But you know, the evil side of us does need to emerge SOMETIMES … just for a little fun LOL!! Glad happy & funny Ms Cheevious is back!!