When God goes hi-tech
Yesterday Nuggie and I went out for happy hour. At the beach. On foot.
This is always a situation where we should hire a camera crew to follow us around. I would instruct them ahead of time to strap microphones to us and record EVERY SINGLE word, even when we are not in their view. Lord knows what comedic treasures could come from Nuggie or I talking to ourselves in the bathroom.
As the somewhat sober one of the two, I was talking to a tipsy Nuggie about a friend from a lifetime ago, who is married to a Pastor from my hometown.
You met her! She came to Maven’s funeral. Remember?
Oh yeah… Was she there by herself, or did I meet her husband too?
No, she was by herself.
Well, are they still married?
Oh yes… they have been married probably forty or so years!
Why wasn’t her husband with her? That’s kind of lame…. send your wife to a funeral by herself…
He’s a pastor of a church of like 20,000 or something! He can’t go to every funeral…
Wait a minute… the guy’s a PASTOR and he’s not going to go to a funeral with his wife? That doesn’t make SENSE!
Here is where I gave a laundry list of excuses in defense of my former friend’s life choices, and why it was okay for her to attend a funeral on her own.
She came to support me and my family, I guess… Plus her husband probably was teaching a sermon that evening and couldn’t come. PLUS, even if he could, you have to understand, with such a huge church people are dying and getting married daily… He can really only physically go to the funerals of people he actually knows, I guess.
He knows you, doesn’t he?
That was years ago. We aren’t friends any more.
I should have said, She is an adult, isn’t she? She can decide to go or not on her own, right? But no, I wasn’t clear headed enough to state the obvious. I also got Nuggie’s point, because that is just the kind of guy he is. If I were attending a funeral, he would offer to go at whatever cost, and make it happen if at all possible. End of story. It’s why I love him.
But there is something you should also know about Nuggie in order to understand what happened next. He is an actor. He actually works as an actor in pursuit of his career. He’s not a waiter, trying to be a full-time actor. He really is an actor. You’ve probably seen him in something, but you would have to go to his IMDB profile to see his body of work. If you know him, you actually SHOULD go to every one of his films or television shows he has ever been in, find him in the cast, and click on him. Do this MULTIPLE TIMES. This influences his STAR METER. The lower the star meter, the bigger a star you are. Someone like Tom Cruise has a Star Meter of about 47, yet someone like Tom Hardy (Inception, The Dark Knight Rises) has a star meter of 11. 11 to someone for whom I had to provide a list of work he’s done. The reason that is the case is because his most recent Bat Man film got millions of hits on its page, and subsequently his profile. Star Meters are a squirrelly business. They go up and down with the wind. But a high Star Meter gets an actor “stuff” – entry into great events, swag bags, more work, you name it.
INTRODUCING THE ICDB
And Nuggie continued…
They should have a Star Meter for that. If they did, that guy wouldn’t have a great star meter.
What do you mean?
Like IMDB. They should do that. They could have the I — (thinking for a second) C–D–B, Internet- (pause)- CHURCH – Database!
OH.MY.GOD. That’s funny! What? Would he be about a fifty?
FIFTY! No WAY!
Well he’d be up there, right?
No. JESUS would be up there!
It sometimes takes me a minute to get what is really at play in the inner recesses of Nuggie’s mind, but I finally understood.
So what? God would be like number one? But then would he be listed as God, AKA Allah? Because you’d have to have them both right! Yeah – that’s good. God a.k.a. Allah. That would be funny.
GHANDI – HE’D be at FIFTY.
What do you think Jesus would be? A three? Then you’d have to have Satan – because he’s a player too, you know. He’d probably be like, number five, sadly.
THIS my friends — when God (Jesus, the devil and every other spiritual persona) goes high-tech — was after I had just ONE cocktail.
I’m not sure why, but you’re welcome.
When it is time to consult a higher power
This morning M.C. Nugget and I got up, and jumped into the day. Last night we went to the Santa Monica Pier’s Twilight Concert to hear Trombone Shorty from New Orleans.
Somehow I managed to pose for this decent photo.
After a great evening with friends, I woke up this morning feeling pretty playful.
At about 10 AM, after I’d already unleashed a can of cool on Twitter and Facebook, and any other place that would listen, Nuggie announced he was off to the gym to get in a quick workout, among other things. This could have ruined my day. I love working out, but my schedule is totally WRECKED since my hormones finally kicked in, and I wasn’t sure if I could make a workout happen today.
When he first said he was going to the gym, I immediately said, “I would LOVE to workout!” I looked up and to the right and contemplated my day, when I realized I was inadvertently holding my breasts.
I don’t know what you are envisioning in this moment, but it’s not what you think.
It’s like my hands were just… on them while I thought about it.
I immediately realized what I was doing, and you guys, this is where it gets brilliant!
Without blinking an eye, I kept my hands where they were and kept my gaze up and to the right as I squeezed them just a little and said, “Let me consult the boobies.”
Admit it: Boobies could be considered a higher power in MANY situations.
Still… M.C. hasn’t been the same since.
All you need is apple pie.
American Flag, on a roller coaster AT THE BEACH. All you need is apple pie.
If the Syrian electronic army comes after us
Some days I don’t feel very mischievous.
I know. It’s impossible to fathom such words from me. I’m the Queen of Mischief, after all.
Rest assured, that day is not today.
By now you’ve no doubt heard of the cyber attacks by the Syrian electronic army on the New York Times which shut the site down for a day.
It made me realize that any one of our sites are vulnerable.
People! EEEEEEE!!!!
When it occurred to me that I could lose control of my websites, I strategically and covertly set out to protect my property. I realize mscheevious.com and lisajeydavis.com are no New York Times, by any stretch of the imagination, but this shit is SERIOUS.
Nuggie was the one to call this to my attention when he said If they go after the #DailyNugget, there will be trouble. He is SPOT ON.
If the Syrian electronic army comes after us, I’ll be ready for them. And heads will roll.
Don’t be a psycho. Use commas.
I want you to know, the use of proper grammar in this post is brought to you by the good people at Grammarly, who offer a fantastic grammar check for all of your internet writing.
I realize I am guilty of misusing the English language and peppering my posts with – ahem – slang, now and again. I am also certain that with the sheer number of posts produced in a year, there are bound to be numerous mistakes in punctuation, spelling and more. The difference is, I actually know how to write and spell a grammatically correct post in the English language. I also edit, re-edit and triple check my posts whenever possible.
Judging by what I see littered throughout the internet (artistic license aside), I’m thinking there are a lot of people who don’t do this.
It disturbs me.
Because these people are spreading the sickness of illiteracy, and this sickness could possibly destroy the human race you guys! I’m serious! What will our children’s children think when they read the words “Srsly,” “Phablet” or “Twerking” in the Oxford dictionary in the year 2354? They’ll think the reason the human race is dying is because we forgot how to spell or communicate properly.
These things are always preventable. But when that big homeland security chief in the sky messages down to the control tower guy just before an alien attack with something like, R frce flds up?, how is control-tower-guy supposed to know he is asking about force fields? I would think he was talking weather, as in, “Are fierce floods up this year?”. You see my point, right?
For those rare instances when time won’t permit me to check my work, or I’m not quite sure how to write “I’m EXHAUSTED from seeing all of these F%$#ING letters on the screen” in proper English, I simply get help, (or hire an editor). Please CHECK YOUR WORK (or ask someone to help you check your work). We’ll all be happier. All snafus and gaffs will be avoided; human race annihilation averted.
I’m here to help.
Here is something I found and shared on my author page on Facebook, which illustrates this perfectly:
