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Shrimp on the Barbie Baby

June 5, 2008 by MsCheevious

You know, when I first heard that saying “Shrimp on the Barbie,” it actually conjured up images of a Barbie Doll with a piece of shrimp on it. I’m sure there are psychological implications to this, especially given my deviant nature at times, but suffice it to say, once I thought of that saying (don’t ask me how on earth I thought of “Shrimp on the Barbie” after lying in a bed of Kleenex, having sneezed and coughed for the past eighteen hours. Perhaps it was a drug induced hallucination of Barbies and shrimp dancing around my brain, or maybe it’s just because I LOVE Barbie. I think Mattel should create a Barbie GPS. One that is pink and says things I can relate to, like “Time to stop and apply lip gloss!” or “No! Don’t go down there! You’ll get mud on your Jimmy Choos!” ), my mind went on a rabbit trail from there. It took me to thoughts of my Memorial Day Weekend. It was my first holiday weekend since moving into my new condo in Los Angeles.

One of my best friends (the one who is an on-air personality on national television – the one I can’t mention here – ha ha) was in town from New York, and we planned a little soire at a mutual friend’s house. Okay – not just any house – and not just any friend. He’s pretty cute too (always a bonus) and a perfect host. This friend’s house is up in the hills of Beverly Hills and has a panoramic view of Los Angeles from its pristinely landscaped back yard. This view can be seen while sipping Pina Coladas in the hot tub, lounging near the pool, or from any point in the back yard. Not only can you see a spectacular array of city lights on a clear night, but you can see some of the elaborate mansions on the rolling hills across the way. As I scanned the breathtaking view on that night I couldn’t help but wonder what each of the members of these households were up to in that very moment. Were celebrities afoot, hobnobbing and congratulating each other on their latest projects as they sampled the latest and greatest Wolfgang Puck fare? Were they welcoming friends and family for a little shrimp on the barbie and some delicious daiquiris?

Here is our host’s pad. Very nice place.
The photo, taken by our mutual friend, doesn’t do justice to the view, but you get the picture.

Or could it be that the most likely scene in this belly of affluence was that of a desolate housewife sitting alone in her bathrobe, smoking cigarettes on her balcony looking at the fantastic view her world has created for her, only to also create a husband whose hunger for status, success and an unhealthy appetite for celebrity leads him astray time and again with every next top model or actress – or even actor?

I allowed my mind to go to this dark and very real place for some in Tinsel Town for only a moment, before it was so pleasantly interrupted by a delicious Malibu Rum and diet Coke offered by my adorable host. ‘Ahh, Malibu’ I sighed with relief. Not only was I relishing in the rum, but thoughts of the beach, the ocean’s waves in all their majesty, and the burnt orange and fuchsia sunsets so beautifully crafted by the unique attributes of Southern California’s carbon footprint. It may not be paradise to some, but I do love the landscape here, even with all the faults so many are quick to point out.

So, anyway. I got to the party a little in the dark as to what we’d be cooking up. My girlfriend said she had it covered, so I showed up in time to help get things going. This friend of ours is a total bachelor. It’s almost criminal for such a magnificent kitchen, complete with indoor grille and all the accoutrements for fabulous culinary creations, to belong to a bachelor who doesn’t even cook. I tried not to drool as I prepped the lettuce and tomatoes for the burgers. He is so much the stereotypical male bachelor, too. Poor guy. He told the story of how he’d been in the house for almost ten years, when his parents came for the holidays recently. His mom went to cook a holiday dinner only to find the oven did not work. “Please tell me you have used this oven before,” he mimicked his mother’s disdain over his pathetic bachelor state. Of course he hadn’t. As a matter of fact, he even expected my friend and I to actually do the grilling for our little group. This is where I stepped in. I protested that idea vehemently. I am a little traditional, in the sense of male and female roles. Go figure. Me, the jet-set, marketing and PR professional, who actually likes to be valued and cherished, and treated special! As traditional as I am, I don’t go so far back to the golden olden days, that I am willing to carry buckets of water from the well, or worse yet, light the grille and flip the burgers. In my book, that’s where the men take over. Either that, or I stay inside and use the fancy indoor grille, which works just fine as well. 🙂 Once the guys took charge of the burgers on the outdoor grille, we were all set.

So, do you think it’s outrageous that I am actually so old fashioned? Listen, I am all for being liberated, and we all know I’ve exercised that liberation on more than one occasion (in many fun and interesting ways!) Even though I am strong and able, I LIKE a man to take over when things intimidate me, or seem bigger than me. Or if I cry. Ha ha. I LOVE to defer to my man. I suppose it could be construed as a bit of a double standard. I want to be treated special, like a precious commodity. I also want to do what makes me happy when I want. But doesn’t everyone? I want to be able to take off the Paris if I’m so inclined. Of course, if I am with someone, I most certainly want them to come along, but I am not opposed to seeking adventure on my own once in a while, too. The latter tends to intimidate, or infuriate men. They can’t seem to wrap their mind around the concept that a strong independent, intelligent woman is deserving of being cherished, loved and treated like they (the men) are so lucky to be with them. Is that so much to ask? Like Sheryl Crow says, “Lie to me. I promise I’ll believe.” Just make me believe I am precious. Dammit. ha ha! You know, growing up, my family called me Super Brat. Then a little later a brother-in-law elevated the title to Wonder Brat. It was a compliment. I truly believe my family sat back with jaws on the floor at the way my life unfolded. HA!

I’m really not a brat. I just know what I want. Right now, I’d like to be able to stop the coughing and sneezing. I want to go for an exhilerating hike or bike ride. I could even love the hot tub right about now. But alas, I must get back to work!

So, I went from Shrimp on the Barbie (and all that implies) to the lifestyles of the rich and famous (or not), and then ended with an analysis of – ME (albeit distorted and just-as-drug-induced as my Barbie hallucinations.) How utterly apropos.

I am in Aspen this week, and will be in Vegas for next week’s post. THAT will be fun! I received the footage from my underwhelming appearance on Entertainment Tonight, and still haven’t decided whether I will post it or not. More later on that. Perhaps next week I’ll chat about my escapades at Book Expo. Or not. Regardless, it’ll be GOOD.

Have a great weekend everyone!

xoxo – or as an old boyfriend use to say “mmmmmphhhuuuhhhh!”
Ms. Cheevious

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Ms. Cheevious and ET (Entertainment Tonight)

May 21, 2008 by MsCheevious

No, “ET” is not the extra terrestrial from the movie E.T., though he was cute and all. Entertainment Tonight is what I’m talkin’ bout. And I’m gonna’ be on it – TONIGHT! That’s right you read it right. The reason for my slightly erratic posts of late (my move made me a Delinquent Ms. Cheevious last week, and I didn’t even bother to send it out to my peeps), and even today’s post, (as I normally write this column for Thursdays) is being posted because I am going to be on the show TONIGHT, Wednesday, May 21, 2008. That is, unless I get preempted by Angelina’s water breaking or something.

Speaking of preempting. How sad is it when the story of my now infamous meeting with one of the blogosphere’s own, Random Esquire, is once again preempted by my appearance on Entertainment Tonight? I guess sometimes life just happens and ya gotta go with what is RIGHT NOW, ya know? The Random Esquire story is great, in and of itself, but it’s nothing (sorry R!) compared to the serendipitous happenings of the past week! I’ve not forgotten the story. Hopefully I’ll be able to tell it some day. That is, if I’m not overwhelmed by phone calls from producers and agents after my appearance on national t.v. tonight. Ha ha! If so, you know I’ll have to write about it, and bounce all my other stories once again. But think about it! I could seriously be bogged down suddenly with all sorts of industry folks clamoring for my attention!

I know, I know. I’m just yankin’ your chains. But sometimes I like to let these types of fantasies run amok in my head. Sometimes that is what makes good things really happen in life. That’s right. You heard it here first. Fantasy is good.

If only this appearance on t.v. – and I have to say it is NOT anything that will promote me, my friends or any of that fabulous-ness – if only it could promote me and my book, and provide me with some positive publicity! I’d get my book published in a heart beat.

Okay. I have to tell you what really went down and how this all happened:

I got to Los Angeles last Monday. I was here little more than a day, and was shopping for a few supplies at Costco, when I gave my girlfriend Sheila a ring.

“Your ears must be ringing. Did you know I was just writing about you in a email?”

“What were you writing about me for?” I asked, my curiosity peaked.

“Well, one of the producers from Entertainment Tonight called and they’re wanting to do a segment with lots of drama. You know, bandages all over, like for a face lift or something.”

Okay, I have to interject here: my girlfriend Sheila works for a prominent cosmetic surgeon in Beverly Hills. She is basically the COO for all things in that office and all the doctor’s endeavors.

But once she said that, I thought ‘Uh oh. Not again. I’ve been down that road, and it’s not pretty.” It happened the last time I’d just moved to Los Angeles. A friend of mine (another Beverly Hills surgeon) asked if I wanted free Botox in exchange for being photographed for some news papers. Little ole me thought, “why not?” I’d had Botox once before, and I knew it was harmless – but could be costly, so I eagerly agreed. Unbeknown to me, that little “photographer” my EX doctor-friend mentioned (just kidding Paul!) worked for the Associated Press and the “news papers” meant that any old publication could pick the story up, thus my before and after pictures appeared on the cover of the LA Times, the New York Post and so many others. Regis and Kathy Lee held up my FROWNING MUG on national television. I was so embarrassed by the whole episode, and it has never gone away. Anyone can look up my name and BOTOX on the internet and see those frowning pictures easily. The worst part is I had my first experience with being misquoted by the media. I told the slug who photographed me that I worked in television production – which I did. He wrote down “producer.” So, when Kathy Lee told the country that “Television producer, Lisa J. Davis had Botox” and held up my pictures for all the world to see, my phone started ringing. “So, when did you start producing, Lisa?” some of my acquaintances in the business prodded. I had to do some fancy footwork to get out of that one, even though technically, I had actually produced. They just didn’t know about it, and no one had seen what I’d produced. Doesn’t that just bite?

Still, hopeful Sheila was not thinking I needed a face lift, I asked “So what does this have to do with me?”

“Well, she wants all this drama, right? And we don’t have anything on the books, so I am trying to pitch our Fraxel Laser treatment to her, but I need help with the pitch.”

“So, what have you got?” I asked, relieved, and now thinking she just wanted me for my editing prowess.

“Well, I’ve basically explained how right after the Fraxel, the patient has to wear this cooling mask, and it’s kind of dramatic because it looks sort of like ‘Jason’ or some other character out of a horror flick. When I did the treatment I loved the cooling mask so much and wanted to drive home with it but the office wouldn’t let me do it. They said I’d get pulled over looking that scarry,” she explained, laughing. “But now I am trying to pitch you.”

“Me?” I asked laughing. “Why do need to pitch me?”

“Just listen to this, okay?” and she went on to read her initial email:

My girlfriend has just returned to Los Angeles after living in Colorado for the past four years and she is looking really old.

I stopped her immediately, laughing hysterically (maybe from fear it might be true), “WHAT?! That’s awful! That’s not true! Does my skin look that bad?”

She laughed, “Listen! I had to make it dramatic, but – yeah it’s pretty bad” she laughed again, with her huge, invasive British laugh (okay it’s not really big or invasive, but I had to exact revenge somehow).

In that mili-second, I quickly glanced down the road of where this was going, and decided I needed to ignore what my friend was saying for the moment, and put on the hat she needed. I needed to help her EDIT THAT EMAIL and FAST.

“No, no. If you are really wanting to pitch this, you need to paint the picture. What you say is, the frigid, dry Colorado air has taken its toll on her skin.”

She bought it and sent the email.

A few minutes later she called me back, ecstatic. “They loved the idea! They want to do it this week!” I quickly reminded my best friend that I had movers and handymen and cable men and all manner of men coming to my place THIS week, and if the “men” didn’t say enough (just kidding honey – it’s for the audience, I promise), the fact that I was MOVING should. I was booked.

“Oh please! I told them your movers were coming on Thursday, and they want to do it Friday! Can you make it happen?” I agreed that, should all go according to plan, I could come in for the laser treatment.

But I wasn’t actually sold on this laser thing. She had to reassure me that the treatment would not scar or cause me to swell up like a balloon. I listened to all the details an all the worst case scenarios that could occur with the treatment. I won’t go into details, as you’ll have to watch the segment to see what really happens – but I decided it was safe to go for it!

So, there you have it! My first appearance on national television, and I’m going to look like JASON. How’s that for a serendipitous occurrence? As one friend put it, “You’ve got a world of opportunity opening up to you there, and you’ve only been there a day.”

So be sure to tune in tonight! You will have to check your local listings, but you can go to the Entertainment Tonight website and click on the bottom left navigation “Local Show Finder” as well. If you read this post too late to tune in, not to worry my little darlings, I will get a copy of the tape and post it later.

Well, I am off now. I have to go peruse my wardrobe and get ready for my eventful day. I may go to the American Idol after-party or something. Who knows?

Tah Tah for now. xoxo

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Girlfriends Gone Wild

May 1, 2008 by MsCheevious

Please tell me: What is this fascination with girls being stupid, getting drunk (or not) and showing their tah-tahs, booties and other body parts on camera? WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL GUYS (or girls)?

I tell ya’, I speak from experience when I say that getting a girl to be slightly voyeuristic is no major Coup d’etat! Especially if she’s just a tiny bit adventurous! So, what is it that makes people – or should I say Americans – frenzied over this supposedly “major” feat when a gal bares all?

Whatever happened to the allure of the mysterious woman? The sexiness of anticipation? Isn’t it true that once a girl crosses that threshold – the “I’m willing to flash the camera” threshold – there is nothing left to the imagination? Not only that, once she does it, is there anything left for the girl in question to explore, once her life and body is displayed across the eternity of the Internet?!

I think (and I stress the “I,” because this IS my blog after all, and what I think matters – HA!) that maintaining one’s dignity, razor sharp intelligence, edgy sense of humor and natural beauty while still managing to dance on the side of “naughty” once in a while – THAT’S the essence of TRUE WILD and SEXINESS. You know what I mean? Oh sure, there are some guys out there that LOVE to see non-stripper, girl-next-door types take it all off with reckless abandon, and craziness. And, I even admit that acting out with reckless abandon now and then is extremely liberating. HA! I love it! But, while I think it is fun and exciting at times, I know that maintaining control and a little mystery keeps men (or women?) that we really want to attract guessing or somewhat intrigued, and wanting more. What do you think?

Listen people: My girlfriends are proof positive that there are plenty of ways to go wild without flapping or bouncing their boobies in front of a camera lens! It takes some creativity. Hell, it takes some intelligence, but we are all pretty bright here, right? I know you must be, since you are here, reading this. heh heh.

I remember it well: The time my girlfriend Sheila and I found ourselves smack dab in the middle of a bachelor party. We’d just walked into the hottest night spot (at the time) in LA, and as we rounded the bend to the bar, were confronted by a group of young, hot guys. I won’t go into any details here because my girlfriend may get upset for sharing too much, but lets just say that ONE of us ended up going back to the hotel room booked by the bachelor party and making out with a very young little boy – of, say, about 21 years old. We were 37. It was so much fun, and really great to be seen as hot by those guys, I have to admit! How much fun is that?

Hey. I liked the attention. I know she did too. So sue us. We got a little wild, we had fun, and we have great stories to tell as a result!

We were actually kinda bummed out for those young boys who were celebrating their friend’s upcoming marriage at such a young age. ‘Go to college!’ I found myself thinking, ‘Get a real job and a real life before you get married!’ Ah well, I am a mom too. I just can’t help myself. They were just soooo young, ya know?

Then there was the time I was in New York visiting one of my best friends, who I can’t name here, because she could lose her job. Let’s just say that she works for one of the most fair and balanced news outlets in the country. HA! Anyhow, it had been a rough week for my girlfriend, so we went out one night, and met up with a few of my other girl friends. We started out drinking martinis at Koi on the upper west side. By the time our last girlfriend met us there, we’d closed the place down, been asked to move tables a few times to accommodate the next wave of clients, and were painting each other with temporary body tattoos. Yep. You read that right. Body Tattoos. How cool is that? Sexy too, I might add.

Then there was that one night featuring moi and my friend Kat. My girlfriend Kat loves to cook. She’s incredible too. She and I got together one night to cook at my place. We’d had vodka martinis all night, smoked cigarettes even, and then decided to start posing together for the camera. I don’t even smoke, just to give you an idea of the inhibitions that were thrown out the window that night. The result? Some pretty messed up girls making fools of themselves without ever taking their clothes off in front of the camera (or did we?? HA! Just had to make you guess!) or getting behind any wheel of any car. Imagine that.

Some of the memories I have from a few wild days and nights are shown below in my gallery. You can click on any image to see it larger. Let me know what you think! I even stepped outside the box, when it comes to “WILD.”

The fact of the matter is that I am so sick of females being stupid, and rising to the lowest standard. Do you think it’s because they want to be accepted? Or do they want to be perceived as being hip and cool? I’m confused. I know some pretty incredibly cool people. I know celebrities and very wealthy people and, even though Paris and Britany make fools of themselves, these people I know are SMARTER than that, and their happiness, success and allure is a testament to that.

Somehow someone started thinking it was cool to be uninhibited at ALL times. I’m all for being uninhibited. My friends will tell you I am one of the more daring girls they know. It’s all about context, and knowing when it is not okay. So many people out there make US – WE WOMEN – seem less valuable and less cherish-able or less worthy of adoration by giving every single part of themselves away. YOU – my lovely, incredible, bright shining light of a person – are the only one who can insure that people see just how radiant you truly are.

So here’s to BEING WILD at times. Here’s to being CRAZY and FUN and SEXY. Go for it! Just remember that you are BEAUTIFUL on the inside, and ought to display that for all to see. Here’s to you! Go WILD, why don’tcha!

xxxooo

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You Are Hot – The Results

April 24, 2008 by MsCheevious

After a significant analysis of the inputs given, the results (though, unscientific as they may be) of the 2008 Ms. Cheevious Hot or Not List are in!

Here they are (and I must admit – I am so proud):

1. Nereide F. Padalino Sherwood