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5 (Ms. Cheevious) Ways To Subdue or Avoid a Mugger

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5 (Ms. Cheevious) Ways To Subdue or Avoid a Mugger (and make the world a better place in the process)

I was recently told a story by someone very dear to me who was attacked  in broad daylight and in public. Because this enraged me (for obvious reasons, not least of which was the lack of action by onlookers or witnesses), I’m going to spell out in very simple terms how to protect yourself and others if and when you are ever attacked or witness a mugging. NOTE: These tips can also be applied to various other acts of aggression (though recent events in Newtown, CT, Boston, MA and various other places come to mind, only some of these tips will help there, because you cannot always prevent sheer madness and evil).

I’m also spelling it out for you because it’s vital that WE become active participants to effect change ladies and gentlemen. Are you up to the task? I certainly hope so.

We can only do this by  1) PAYING F-ING ATTENTION to what is happening around us, and not turning a blind eye or a deaf ear to the situation, and by 2) GROWING A PAIR and DOING something… anything about it. PERIOD.

THE STORY:

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DOING THE RIGHT THING & BEING A GOOD SAMARITAN?

The person I know – I’ll call him KickAss – was minding his own damn business at a local bus stop in Culver City, California. Before you form an opinion of Culver City, let me paint a picture for you. It’s a town in West Los Angeles, and one of the last remaining vestiges where one can still find affordable housing (although even that has been changing rapidly, because it’s undergone gentrification recently). It is home to a large Entertainment Industry contingent and a film studio of note. As a result, there’s an enormous outcropping of boutiques, shops, chic restaurants, brew pubs and unique places to hang with friends. It’s a cute little town, though I am sure there are areas that are not as cute, and certainly not safe.

KickAss works in Culver City. He was jamming to music on his iPhone (the music was probably turned up to drown out the city noise), when he arrived at the bus stop to catch the 4:45 on a main thoroughfare to meet some friends after work. There were a number of people waiting for the bus, as it was the middle of the day. He noticed a couple of guys sitting on the wall nearby drinking, but didn’t think anything of it. The next thing he knew, one of them shoved him on the arm to get his attention and said something to the affect of “What’s the matter with you home? I asked you for a cigarette.” To which KickAss, a nice guy all around, replied  “What? I didn’t know you were talking to me.”

I don’t want to provide inaccurate details here, but what ensued was a very quick escalation to an out-and-out street fight, with these TWO guys trying to take KickAss down. They had him on the ground and were trying to subdue him by any means, kicking, punching, climbing on top of him. One of them had already torn his new sunglasses from his face and put them in his pocket, and they were in the process of trying to take his backpack from him – which contained some very expensive work related equipment.

Let’s stop right here for a moment to peruse the scene to observe what various other onlookers were up to, shall we? There was a gal who in a somewhat aloof manner, simply walked away as fast as she could. There was another guy who ignored what was going on and did nothing. There were a few others there as well. All whom did NOTHING. LAME Good Samaritans.

mobile+phone+footage+posted+on+Youtube+in+August+2011+by+a+female+onlooker+showing+a+Malaysian+student+Ashraf+Rossli+after+being+punched+and+having+his+bicycle+stolen

The above image is NOT  from the incident with KickAss. It’s just another sad example I was able to find.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/the-bad-samaritans-two-men-found-749738

I’m sorry, but what the F*CK where these spineless, unprincipled people DOING that precluded them (even in this digital age where EVERYONE has a cell phone) from at the very least dialing 9-1-1, reporting the incident and then saying out loud “The COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!”? Was it the fear of the fight turning on them? Perhaps they didn’t care? Were they too busy Instagramming the scene, not wanting to miss the posting opportunity?

Lucky for KickAss, he is a KICKASS kinda guy, and he was able to overpower the dudes, kick one of them in the chest, punch and fight the other down, grab his sunglasses and run before the drunk schmucks knew what hit them.

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MY SYNOPSIS:

THOSE PEOPLE SUCK. (OR: DON’T LET ME CATCH YOU BEING A SUCKMEISTER)

This situation, my lovelies, makes me extremely embarrassed to say I am a human being (you can tweet this here). Not that all humans are like this all the time, but I must say, stories like this are more often the norm these days, and it is seriously disappointing and disconcerting.

What has become of us in this country – our great United States of America? We use to be the country everyone else in the world envied. The place many from other countries dreamed about…They dreamt of moving here and finding a way to become a citizen and making the American Dream a reality in their own lives.  Why was this, do you think?

It must have been because of our countless reality stars who make millions in endorsements and appearance deals… Or maybe it’s how easy it is to get things free here without having to work… or maybe it’s the fact that you can make a living working from home.

NOT.

Think again, lovelies. People loved America for the IDEAL… part of it was the welcoming, carefree, fun attitude that seemed prevalent. They were drawn to the belief (and the proof positive) that if you put your mind to it, anything was possible. They loved America for the high value we placed on INDIVIDUALS. For our freedoms, yes, but also for the camaraderie that came with the freedom. We had an extra sense of responsibility to our fellow man, and we backed it up. They loved how they were treated special at the neighborhood diner… how the waitress would greet them smiling and offer great service… sometimes even go above and beyond in serving them. They assumed it was because she too must be happy and proud to be a part of this great country which is so full of opportunities. Good ole (and I do mean ole, as in FORMER) Customer Service.  It’s the reason we still tip our waitresses, bartenders, bell hops, etc.. here in the USA.  But that is what our country use to be like.

Now… Not so much.

I literally said this the other day “I wonder if the reason other countries don’t tip, is because customer service has sucked in their countries for so long, they’ve not tipped for decades… because they too finally gave up?” I realize in other countries servers are paid higher wages, but what came first? Lack of service, and decline of tips, forcing restaurant owners to pay higher wages? Or the high wages were always the case?  Huh…

But I digress. 

I’m here for you, people!  Let’s turn this around together shall we?

With this in mind… if you are ever in a public place with other people around and are either attacked, or you witness an attack:

Here are 5 (Ms. Cheevious) ways you can subdue (or avoid) a mugger (and make the world a better place):

#1 – UNPLUG YOUR EARBUDS WHEN YOU ARE IN PUBLIC SO YOU CAN HEAR WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND YOU.

I know it’s hard to fathom this, but when you are out in public, you are not in your own world (nor should you be). Be prepared to actually engage, look people in the eye and remain distraction-FREE. This is your chance to actually make some strides in one-to-one human contact! Besides… anyone who’s looking to make trouble will see you as an easier target if you are obviously connected and disengaged from what’s going on around you. Also, you may actually hear the fire truck sirens before stepping out in front of one in traffic. That’s always a bonus.

Listen, I am not an idiot. I know it is unlikely… that most people will not disconnect from their iPod, iPhone, Cell Phone, Blackberry or whatnot. I’m not saying to turn them off, I’m just saying you don’t need to be connected to it every second. But we’ve become a selfish, individualized culture. Everything in our scope and focus is geared toward making our lives easier, and customized to everything we want. And somewhere along the line we decided that every single thing must be reported to social media… that music, films, entertainment are the top priority — even over spending time TALKING with and LISTENING to friends — in person, or laughing and dancing, or enjoying the arts, in person – studying a REAL painting… at a MUSEUM… Well, the list goes on… but here’s a start:  UNPLUG the earbuds when you’re in public. Re-Join civilization! And while we’re at it, let’s unplug when we are on the slopes skiing or snowboarding, and in other similar situations, unkay? (Couldn’t resist that one)…

#2 – BE ALERT & AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS & THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. KEEP THIS MINDSET & FOLLOW IT: YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL

Anytime you are in public or anywhere there is a gathering of people, your position in or around those people is crucial. In a crowd, I tend to steer toward the perimeter if there are any characters at all questionable in the midst. Conversely, use the crowd to protect you, or act as a buffer, should you observe shady characters on the outskirts. This applies to things like subway stops, bus stops, events, concerts, etc.  But anytime you are out in the general public, being alert and aware of your surroundings also means to know where you are, and to not put yourself into compromising situations. Know where the nearest gas station or convenience store is located. Think of life as one big airline flight. Know where your nearest exit is at all times, and use it if necessary.

This tip applies to everyone on a DAILY basis. If you see someone who looks even the tiniest bit suspicious, call the authorities. How much more safe would our world be if more people were willing to report strange situations?! I’ve done it before and I will do it again, if I ever have that familiar second thought of “gee… something wasn’t right there…” or “those guys look shady…”  I’ve also been known to confront people on my own, (one time in my boxer pajamas in the middle of the night outside my home)  which is not advisable… although I am a pretty hardcore badass, and will kick someone into the next block if ever threatened… But that is another story.

#3 – PLAY DEFENSE

I like to win. More games (as well as the games of life) are won when there is a great defense in place, believe it or not. It’s true you must actually make your move to get ahead, which is where OFFENSE comes into play (scoring baskets, goals, touch downs, better jobs, new cars, etc). But in the context of subduing or avoiding a mugger (or other offensive) we must talk DEFENSE people.

I’d LOVE to say your life is going to be up to your eyeballs in of all kinds of success, that you’re going to “score” every time you shoot, but that’s not the way of the world people. So in order to really win, you’ve got to add a winning defensive strategy to your lifetime plans. That’s why they say in sports “defense wins championships.” You can’t account for everything someone else is going to do, but you should learn to anticipate moves and learn to control how you handle things to effect the outcome.

How do you do this when trying to subdue or avoid a mugger? If you’re trying to subdue a mugger, well, you have to DEFEND yourself anyway you can. FIGHT PEOPLE! Kick, swing, punch, scream. I don’t care how you do it, but FIGHT DAMMIT.  We’ve all seen the news footage of the guy who tried to abduct a little girl, but because she fought her little heart out, he gave up (see that footage here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV16a6GsfZw). As is the case with KickAss,  FIGHTING is sometimes all you can do to subdue your attackers.

If you want to AVOID a mugger, well, take all the steps above, mix them together with this step, and you’ve got the makings for a good defensive strategy. There are other things you can do, such as: a) don’t go into dangerous looking areas alone; b) don’t go to those places at NIGHT, especially; c) walk confidently, hold your head high, and when suspicious strangers are on approach, do what you can to avoid them (go into a nearby restaurant, bar, etc.); and d) don’t be afraid to ASK for help. I don’t believe KickAss had a chance to ask for help. But if you are walking alone, look for potential helpful businesses or individuals, and ASK.

Finally, the best defense is a FREAKING SMART defense. Don’t make stupid moves or decisions you’ll regret. Ladies, don’t go out in public half naked and alone,  where you don’t know the crowd, and wonder why you feel vulnerable… But let’s say you find yourself out, you’re in your skimpy workout clothes and it gets late and dark, and you must walk to your car alone. If someone at your gym or wherever you are can’t walk you to your car, call a friend and let them know where you are. Grab your big-ass set of keys (most ladies have them), put them in your hand. Put each key between your fingers, and make a fist.  Then be prepared to use those keys as a weapon if you need to. Just sayin’. And don’t be afraid to hit your assailant where it hurts — HARD.

#4 – BE A HUMAN

This is for you folks who sit on the sidelines and don’t get bothered when you see injustice. Maybe you do get bothered, but not enough to actually do anything. If this is you, I don’t care what your excuse, you do not deserve to be among us.

It is not okay to do nothing. Period. I don’t CARE if you do not know the person being mugged. If you are witness to an attack or attempted attack, make a phone call, send someone for help, get others around you to help… do SOMETHING… ANYTHING (even if that means tripping the mugger, and running away… I don’t care). Otherwise, please leave us now, would you? Because being a human has its privileges, and you’re making us look bad.

#5 – HAVE CHOCOLATE  ON YOU AT ALL TIMES (IF NOT VODKA).

If all else fails, and in true Ms. Cheevious fashion… offer chocolate… or better yet, vodka. I’m kidding. Sort of. Go with me here.  The truth is, there is a very popular concept that’s actually a verse in the holy Bible, and it goes like this: “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1.  I’m not a Bible wielding kind of person, but I always remember this because in truth, if you are ever under attack, the absolute best thing you can do, specifically if you are alone in a dark alley, or some place without witnesses, is to NOT defend yourself (that’s what the experts all say). Defending yourself can often make your assailant more aggressive. While I’m OBVI not saying to GIVE your attacker chocolate or vodka… I’m telling you there is a case for not defending yourself. Whether that means going limp and extremely “submissive,” as many times these people simply want to dominate someone… well, that is up to you.

I’m no expert on any of this… and let’s not let the main premise of this article escape us – which is for all of us to STAND UP for what’s right and DO SOMETHING if we see injustice. Capisce? 

Let’s put the nail in the coffin on lackluster responses over violence or a threat that frightens us. Let’s put a red hot poker into the nerve of this desensitized approach.  Remember we are all in this together, but at the same time, it’s all up to each and every one of you.

Now go out there and kick some ass… unkay?

Love you people!!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuuhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

aka Lisa Jey Davis

Editor in [Mis]Chief

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Enough Whiny Snow Talk

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I was inspired to write this post, because of all the snow talk… talk of the record-breaking blizzards and snow storms that hit the Northeast here in the U.S. over the past few days.

Do you recall last winter (remember, back in 2011 and 2012?), how people seemed astonished by how mild the weather was?  The entire country was convinced that there was truth to the global warming thing, because it seemed that none of the ski areas had good snow. Some never even opened. In the entire country.

That’s a huge landscape people.

People whined and complained about it. I always listen in disbelief when people talk about the winter being too warm. When I was a kid, I was out sunbathing in sixty degree weather. I lived for “warm.”  But complaining about a mild winter?  That’s risky.  I love how the blogger Dooce stated that she wanted to butt into those conversations with a can of mace:

“Because the Universe? It is always listening. And it’s like, oh? Really? You want snow? YOU JUST WAIT. Because this winter I’m going to pin you down and shove snow down your maw so hard you that are going to poop ice through Labor Day.

The Universe was so not kidding. In fact, the Universe is Tony Soprano.”

M.C. Nugget (my beau) and I were guilty of this very same whining and complaining last year ourselves. We weren’t thrilled with the mere pittance of snowfall received at Mammoth Ski Area, because it was the one and only place in years that either one of us had relented and actually bought and paid for a season pass.  So, in a sense, we had every right to complain. We had a vested interest, and the great Mountain did not deliver.

But I gotta tell you something. Here in Southern California, it was only a few short weeks ago we were shocked and awed by our 85 degree summer-like weather. We’d just gotten a few weeks past the news of the East coast Hurricane Sandy horrors, and still, things here grew warmer and balmier.

People were talking about it, and loving life here on the sunny left coast. I overheard someone saying how they remembered Januaries here as always experiencing a bit of a heat wave.  I don’t have a recollection of it being the case every year, but eh? What did I care? It was warm and yummy out. That was good enough for me. I nodded and smiled.

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Then over the course of the next few weeks our warm balmy weather started to turn cloudy, foggy, rainy.  What was happening? I tried to ignore it. I thought surely it was a freak of nature and our warm balmy breezes would soon return. No. We had some ups and downs.  It would get warm, and then it was like the universe was having a wicked, amusement with us, wringing it’s hands “Mwahahaha…” It was warm, then cold. Sunny, then foggy. Warm again for a few days last week, and our hopes were kindled. We breathed out in relief.

But then it happened. No sooner did the weather forecasters warn of dangerous blizzards, record-breaking temperatures and snow falls on the East coast, that we here in Santa Monica started to feel the chill in the air again too. The wind and rain and chill grew more intense.

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As I put on my Uggs, and pull my puffy coat back out of the crevice in the closet reserved for forgotten winter gear to run a quick errand, I’m a little miffed.  NO. I’m EXTREMELY MIFFED. I’m kinda tired of hearing about your snow problems. First it’s “There isn’t enough snow! wah wah wah”… then it’s “OH NO… THERE IS TOO MUCH SNOW.” Which is it people?

Someone took my SUNSHINE, for goddsakes. That is just wrong. And I think the East coast is to blame.  The record breaking cold temperatures, snowfall and dangerous blizzards probably caused some kind of planetary shift in weather patterns… so it’s bye bye warm and sunny, hello gooey, dewy, drizzly, foggy schmutzy weather.

So, there shall be no more whining about your sad snow. There has been quite enough whiny snow talk.  Boo hoo hoo… you’re too cold?  Well so am I.  So stop your whining, UNKAY?  I want my Indian Summer back!  If you’d like to appease me or set my mind at ease, you could send me some Irish Whiskey or something to warm me up.  That might help.

Now I think I better go out for a walk on the cool, brisk beach.

Love you people!!!! Mmmmmpppphhhuuuhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

aka Lisa Jey Davis

Editor in [Mis] Chief

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Golden Globes and…ahem…”Quirky” People

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Watching the Golden Globes and…ahem…”Quirky” People interact with each other on network television during this year’s show was pretty fun for me, and I’ll tell you why.

I’m won’t mince words, because, well… I don’t do that. It was fun catching some of the show on Sunday. I watched as Jodi Foster rambled on during her lifetime achievement award about not having to expose her entire life to everyone, and privacy, and reality shows, and such. It seemed to be a truly authentic speech, which I appreciated. The whole “coming out” thing didn’t escape anyone, however… but don’t be fooled. Jodi knew very well what she was doing. She knew it would toy with reality-show-crazed people of today who LOVE to hear and talk about the private affairs of people they see on TV or film. Are you kidding? Even though Jodi’s sexual orientation has been highly speculated over the years, she’s always been an extremely private person, and never talked about it. The mere fact she used the words “coming out” was like heaven to the blogosphere, Twitter, and more. I’m even talking about it, aren’t I?

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Doesn’t she look AMAZING for 50?

Though I am not a friend or  acquaintance of any of the people at the Golden Globes, as I watched the show, I felt like somewhat of an insider. I felt I could relate to the family and friends of those nominees and winners.  It’s mostly because I am a publicist, and I deal with the idiosyncrasies of Quirky people on a daily basis. The feverish attempts that are made to control things and juggle perceptions from the public and so on are sort of a crack up to me. Perhaps it is because I’ve yet to ever be scrutinized so harshly by such a wide audience. I’m quite sure if the tables were turned, I’d be forced to become more of a private person. Perhaps I would have to hire someone to write my “personal” Ms. Cheevious blogs (heh heh – that would be AWESOME).

I had one person say “Don’t mention anything about my private life to so-n-so… he was very jealous that I went on a trip without him…” As if I – your publicist – would do that anyway. That’s a MILD one, to say the LEAST, but I’ve heard it all. As the representative to actors, performers, producers and more, it’s been quite interesting. I’ve been around those who are “kept” by “benefactors” and others who have thrown GIGANTIC fits in public, embarrassing everyone around them. I wrote about one such DIVA in my post a few years back about Patty Stanger from the Millionaire Matchmaker, called “Million Dollar Diva.”

In Hollywood, if you are friends with (or a family member to) anyone who has had even a smidge of notoriety or experienced their few moments of fame, you know what the big Golden Globes day was like for the friends and family of the nominees and winners. Being a good friend or family member of someone famous is like being the best man or maid of honor for their wedding- which happens over and over again – every.single.time something great happens in their career… an honor, award, premier, new series, big interview in a major publication, etc…

What does that mean? Think about it. If it’s someone’s wedding day, guess what? They get all the attention, because it is THEIR friggin’ day. Not only that, every little detail leading up to their wedding is exceptionally important, requiring the best man and maid of honor’s undivided, selfless attention and time. All others must understand that everyone and everything — EVERYTHING  takes a back seat to the myriad of wedding plans… the florist appointment, invitation design, etc. Only death or taxes (or some natural disaster) trumps the wedding, period.

It doesn’t stop there. With the dawn of social media, many of the quasi-celebs in Hollywood are caught in limbo between wanting to be present, accounted for and talked about online, and trying desperately to control the conversation that happens to influence perception of them to agents, casting directors, producers and more.

I’ve heard of people who request photos, posts and more be removed, or their names untagged, etc. because they weren’t comfortable with what was being shared.   I get it. I truly do. I don’t share everything with everyone on Facebook, for instance. I have a private life that my clients don’t need to be aware of.  But I don’t reach out to others and say “Hey, please untag me? I don’t like that photo…” or “I don’t want people to know what I did on such-n-such day…” That’s simply ridiculous. Even people who are dangerous or strange and demented that may find that photo, will find others if they’re so inclined. If you don’t want anyone to know, don’t take a photo and share it. I start to roll my eyes when people freak out because something they didn’t expect “may have” shown up online. I really don’t think Al Pacino, Brad Pitt or Julianne Moore sit around and worry about a photo of them that turned up. They’d forever be chasing them down! It’s pretty funny. Have you ever done a search for someone like Leonardo DiCaprio?  I tell you that man is beautiful, but you wouldn’t know it by some of the photos of him online caught by Paparazzi on a casual stroll to the coffee shop. Here’s a novel idea: Don’t pay attention to what’s being said. Don’t “follow” the comments on the post, or photo. IGNORE it. If you want to truly be a star like Gwyneth Paltrow or fill-in-the-blank, then you’ve got to grow a thick skin and learn the tough lesson of letting it BE. It’s just NOT possible to always look good.

I think some of these “Quirky” people would do well to realize that it’s “in the room” and in person – or on film – or on tape – where they make the biggest impact… the one that counts. It isn’t the photos that show up on someone’s facebook page. (Excluding nudes… now that I can see stressing over).

Yep… it’s the friends and family and true supporters to these Quirky people who are the real stars. Forever supporting, truly joyful and happy for their friend/family member’s successes and achievements, cheering them on, advising them, taking a back seat, sacrificing their own personal needs, rescheduling (or missing) events, vacations, trips, appointments to accommodate their famous friend or family member’s important audition, call-back, interview, shooting day or whatever. I should know. I date a guy who is in the “industry” and we’ve had all of those situations happen to us (trips cut short, plans rescheduled, etc.). Trust me. I am thankful for the great relationship we have, and the person that he is which makes it all possible. He is a stand-up, truly good person, who is grounded, down-to-earth, and rearranges his schedule to be there for me when it’s necessary. So, though our life together is anything but normal (as Ms. Foster was quoted as saying, which I love, “Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from.”), he doesn’t really qualify as a “Quirky” person. He doesn’t assume that anyone will stop their world for his career, and he is truly grateful when he gets special attention. He DESERVES to be up on stage at the Golden Globes.

No… the Quirky people are those I refer to more often that not as a little too paranoid… unable to enjoy the fact they are truly doing what they love, and unable to be truly comfortable in their own skin at all times. These types seem unable to find peace or let things happen to a certain extent, and are unable to realize that it takes incredibly strong people to be able to live in their shadow or come second to their life or career path. (Doctors and Surgeons are also “Quirky” people).

That’s it. BEWARE the QUIRKY people. Stay grounded. Be comfortable in your own skin and how you look – as you are, and it will be contagious.

End of Rant. But, my lovelies… what did you expect from Ms. Cheevious?

Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

aka Lisa Jey Davis

Editor in [Mis] Chief

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Now That We Snuck By the Apocalypse

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Since the world did not end and we snuck by the Apocalypse on December 21, 2012… AND since planet earth is now safe (yeah right) and sound (yeah right), I’ve got a brilliant idea: Let’s all go back to grieving the loss of Pluto.

Photo credit: http://www.isrealli.org/international-team-discovers-seven-new-planets-outside-our-solar-system/planets/

No?

Well, I’ll have you know, though I dragged my feet through drying concrete to do some things in the event the Mayan’s were right (Who knew? Apparently now someone found aNOTHER calendar, and yes, there is a new end of planet Earth in sight, but we’ll be long gone before that ending…), I worked diligently toward the following (and… SHEESH… oKAY. I’ll continue to do these things. Twist my arm.):

… I taught my two sons to respect women, and all humans… to be mindful of how their actions effect others, come hell or high water… or my wrath
… I made a few people laugh, (and laughed right along with them) which took me to a happy place many times
… I THINK I helped others see the importance of loving, truly living, and thinking outside of the box in all matters big and small (but showed them the small stuff is SO not worth sweating)
… I loved my family and did what I could to be a great mother, daughter, sister, aunt and more to everyone I’m connected to
… I lived a spiritual life, and realized there is more going on in this great universe then a chain of events caused by accident
… I traveled to a few of the beautiful and exotic places on my list
… I experienced some of the greatest times in work and play, and was given opportunities many only dream about

but most of all…


… I enjoyed every single moment of my life – Cinnabons or monkey bread (in a pinch), Jameson Irish Whiskey, Chocolate and Vodka (and since that list makes me feel way too sweet, I’ll throw in some enchiladas) all my cohorts

Of course, now that there IS no Apocalypse, my list seems a little morose, to say the least. It’s like I died or something. But I DIDN’T, which is cool, because it means I’ll just go on living my glorious life as usual. Gotta love that.

It’s been fun talking in what-ifs everyone! Now (munch munch… glug glug)… it’s down the hatch! Onward and upward toward the next millennia… BRING IT 2013!

Have a wonderful week. I can’t WAIT for the upcoming holidays. I’m like a kid in a candy store with Christmas. My plans are all set, and they’re gonna’ be grand, though they’ll be sans my two boys (sniff sniff). Be safe out there, and don’t let the crazies get the best of you. Spread a little sunshine, mixed with brash, balls out “funny,” and Enjoy Every Moment!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

I’m Thankful I’m Here to Write For You

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Please accept my apology for this post in advance.

I just spent the last few minutes perusing the internet. In those few moments I bounced from badly written article to uninteresting (and badly written) blog post. Basically, I wasted the past few moments.

Sigh.

I suppose it’s not a total waste. Perhaps there is a slight glimmer of hope in the very fact that people are still writing. I should be thankful for that.

But I am not.

I’ve scanned the entire canvas of my soul to determine what has become of the person who looked at the bright side of every story, of every dilemma, but I’m just plain tired (Is this a recurring theme in my posts of late, and a sign it’s quite simply just time for a good, long nap?). I don’t want to have to work to see the good in articles and posts I read. And I certainly don’t want to have to use a protractor and my miniscule knowledge of calculus to connect the dots in the story. I want those damn dots to jump up and sing to me.

So – here is my earth-shattering Thanksgiving post:

I’m thankful I’m here to write for you. As egotistical and self-serving as it sounds, I’m sorry, but it’s true.  I worked long and hard through my schooling (both private and public) to actually learn this beautiful, if not perplexing language of English. I learned to conjugate verbs, spell and utilize commas appropriately. I memorized the differences between homonyms like your and you’re, their, there and they’re, and I diagrammed sentences until I was literally dreaming about them.  I paid my dues and it stuck. I couldn’t properly diagram a sentence today if you paid me… not without a refresher course… but I learned how to put sentences together and what made them good, strong sentences… which is all that matters now.

So when I read something, anything, and the message is lost amid butchered language (slang and obvious artistic license aside) it makes me sad. Scratch that. It pisses me off.

So, I’m glad I’m here to write for you people… even if only five people actually take the time to read the words here on this page. If it ignites a fiery passion and encourages only one of those five to choose this wondrous medium from which to communicate their story… their adventure… well then it’s well worth it. Perhaps that person will go on to write posts whose dots sing and dance on the page. Perhaps those waltzing dots will inspire more, and a cycle of great writing will begin anew for upcoming generations.

Listen. I am not here to say that great writers of today are extinct. I’m here to say I’m tired of coming upon horrible writing, and from trusted sources, websites and magazine. It’s just enough to make me take my ball and go home.

Someone help me! If this keeps up, my skepticism and disillusionment over bad writing is sure to progress into skepticism and disillusionment over all of human-kind… and do you know what that means?  I may be in danger of becoming a ….

SCROOGE.

It’s about damn time too, after all my years of being Emily English Expert and Little Miss F*^#KIN’ Sunshine about it.

Dammit!  You see?  It’s already happening.

If I’m not careful I may RECEIVE some of my own HUMBUG SCHMUMBUG items from my store (it seems eons ago that I painted this… though it was just a few weeks ago):

http://www.cafepress.com/mscheevious/9503518

I’ve only provided the link above, in the event you feel that purchasing something from the Humbug Schmumbug shop might improve my mood or turn things around for me. It might.

Feel free to also send me links to worthy articles, but please be sure they’re written exceedingly abundantly well. I’m like a freaking fairy. If you believe in me you will send me great articles, and I will live. Otherwise, I’ll die a slow painful death.

That’s it. I’m done.

You may go about your business.

Have a great week everyone!

Love you people!  Mmmmphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis}Chief

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

The Weather Does Not Comply

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I engaged in a twitter conversation the other day about the horrors “Frankenstorm” was expected to inflict on New York. A friend was saying, “I am really hoping you won’t come to New York, storm… but I think you won’t listen.”

Yes. People tweet these things, myself included.  It is sickness… these conversations we have with inanimate objects in a forum where said objects could never answer, even if capable. Okay, that’s debatable. As soon as the keystrokes left my fingers to complete that thought, I realized that acts of nature are in and of themselves, responses. I suppose if the power goes out as a result of the storm, it will be Frankenstorm’s way of saying, “Hello? Did you challenge me? Did you say something to me, the great and powerful Frankenstorm?”

Lil’ ole me wrote something which, now that I know the storm is happening, even as you read this (most likely), now seems quite capricious. It said something like  “I prefer to stay more positive and let my intentions be known… “you will *not* come close. You will turn back…”  I meant well, and I do believe my friend either got it, or was pissed off,  as she promptly deleted her original tweet, which as a result, deleted my reply.

The fact is, the weather does not comply. All the purposeful thinking, intentions and positive thoughts in the world will not make Mother Nature listen. We can pray, meditate, beg, and if the storm moves, we thank God (or whomever we spoke to about this dilemma). If it doesn’t, we move along quietly, wondering what we did wrong.

Calm down now. We did nothing wrong. Weather is weather people.

It’s going to blow its wind, rain its rain, shine its sun and snow its snow whenever and however it chooses. There is not a whole lot we can do about it.

Wait.

Scratch that.

We can most definitely have a teensy, tiny affect on weather by continuing the high-speed ozone layer demolition course we’ve been on for decades (maybe even a century now). That will most definitely affect whether we have heat in summer and cold in winter.

But will weather change, divert, move away from us in respect to what we want?

Let me say it once more, this time with feeling:  The Weather — Does Not — Comply.

And we should know this by now.  Why doesn’t everyone on this planet know this?

It’s hot as hell here in Santa Monica. I’m talking late 80’s and 90’s during the day. To top it off the Santa Ana winds are in full force, wreaking havoc on everyone’s allergies.  Later in the evening it turns cool and damp, which of course rings in a furious flu season.  We know this type of weather is fairly normal here, particularly in Summer. But not this late in the Fall.

Listen. I know. I can hear it now: Awe, poor you! You’ve got balmy sunshine and warm breezes! Oh boo hoo hoo!

I realize how ridiculous this entire article is, but realize I’ve just had surgery. As part of the FAT HARVESTING from my legs and the FAT GRAFTING done to my BOOBS, just after they CUT THEM UP, TRIMMED SOME SKIN AWAY and RE-SHAPED them… well, I am required to wear, what I like to refer to as my own personal pair of Spanx.  It’s not a pair of spanx, unfortunately, and it’s not very comfortable to wear, especially if it’s hot.  So cut me some slack, yo.

I’m no idiot. I realize how ridiculous my description of my personal “hell” is, while New Yorkers and millions on the northeastern seaboard are battening down the hatches, stocking up on emergency supplies and running around panic-stricken over Frankenstorm.

But still. I’m hot. And the weather will not listen! And here is a little poem I wrote to illustrate it for you:

THE WEATHER DOES NOT COMPLY

The weather does not comply.
No matter how hard we try.
It will not do as I say.
It will not do as you say.
It will not in the East. It will not in the West.
It simply won’t comply, not even at your best.
It will not in the North, and neither in the South.
It will not hear a word that comes out of your mouth.
Not in the Fall or in the Spring.
It won’t comply for anything.
It will not change its course.
Not from a car, or on a horse.
Comply it will not do.
Not even just for you.
Not when it’s hot or far too cold
Not when you’re young or when you’re old.
No matter how hard you try
The weather does not comply.

Before You Go – Enter Our BIG Breast Cancer Awareness GIVEAWAY! You have until Wednesday, 10/31.

Win a Hard Rock Cafe Gift Bag FULL of great GOODIES (it’s free and you’ll help spread the word for Breast Cancer Awareness. If you’re a GUY – you can enter too. M.C. Nugget entered to win for his mom. Now GET TO IT!

Gotta love Dr. Suess, Sam I am and Green Eggs and Ham!  Have a fantastic weather-filled week!

Love you people!!!! Mmmpphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Lisa Jey Davis

aka Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis] Chief

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious related to Breast Cancer Awareness (or Boobs in general):

Before the Boobie Era (BBE) (On Singles Warehouse)

Lack of attention to her boyfriend spurs Lisa Jey’s creation of a new era! (Read More)

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Why I’m Glad I’m a Woman – And You Should Be Too

I’m fairly confident I could write an equally flattering post on how wonderful it is to be a man; however I’m not one. It’s great to be a chick. (READ MORE)

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious