Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood

My Zany Years Spent Working in Tinsel Town

Humbug Schmumbug

I’m Thankful I’m Here to Write For You

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Please accept my apology for this post in advance.

I just spent the last few minutes perusing the internet. In those few moments I bounced from badly written article to uninteresting (and badly written) blog post. Basically, I wasted the past few moments.

Sigh.

I suppose it’s not a total waste. Perhaps there is a slight glimmer of hope in the very fact that people are still writing. I should be thankful for that.

But I am not.

I’ve scanned the entire canvas of my soul to determine what has become of the person who looked at the bright side of every story, of every dilemma, but I’m just plain tired (Is this a recurring theme in my posts of late, and a sign it’s quite simply just time for a good, long nap?). I don’t want to have to work to see the good in articles and posts I read. And I certainly don’t want to have to use a protractor and my miniscule knowledge of calculus to connect the dots in the story. I want those damn dots to jump up and sing to me.

So – here is my earth-shattering Thanksgiving post:

I’m thankful I’m here to write for you. As egotistical and self-serving as it sounds, I’m sorry, but it’s true.  I worked long and hard through my schooling (both private and public) to actually learn this beautiful, if not perplexing language of English. I learned to conjugate verbs, spell and utilize commas appropriately. I memorized the differences between homonyms like your and you’re, their, there and they’re, and I diagrammed sentences until I was literally dreaming about them.  I paid my dues and it stuck. I couldn’t properly diagram a sentence today if you paid me… not without a refresher course… but I learned how to put sentences together and what made them good, strong sentences… which is all that matters now.

So when I read something, anything, and the message is lost amid butchered language (slang and obvious artistic license aside) it makes me sad. Scratch that. It pisses me off.

So, I’m glad I’m here to write for you people… even if only five people actually take the time to read the words here on this page. If it ignites a fiery passion and encourages only one of those five to choose this wondrous medium from which to communicate their story… their adventure… well then it’s well worth it. Perhaps that person will go on to write posts whose dots sing and dance on the page. Perhaps those waltzing dots will inspire more, and a cycle of great writing will begin anew for upcoming generations.

Listen. I am not here to say that great writers of today are extinct. I’m here to say I’m tired of coming upon horrible writing, and from trusted sources, websites and magazine. It’s just enough to make me take my ball and go home.

Someone help me! If this keeps up, my skepticism and disillusionment over bad writing is sure to progress into skepticism and disillusionment over all of human-kind… and do you know what that means?  I may be in danger of becoming a ….

SCROOGE.

It’s about damn time too, after all my years of being Emily English Expert and Little Miss F*^#KIN’ Sunshine about it.

Dammit!  You see?  It’s already happening.

If I’m not careful I may RECEIVE some of my own HUMBUG SCHMUMBUG items from my store (it seems eons ago that I painted this… though it was just a few weeks ago):

http://www.cafepress.com/mscheevious/9503518

I’ve only provided the link above, in the event you feel that purchasing something from the Humbug Schmumbug shop might improve my mood or turn things around for me. It might.

Feel free to also send me links to worthy articles, but please be sure they’re written exceedingly abundantly well. I’m like a freaking fairy. If you believe in me you will send me great articles, and I will live. Otherwise, I’ll die a slow painful death.

That’s it. I’m done.

You may go about your business.

Have a great week everyone!

Love you people!  Mmmmphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis}Chief

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

Presents, Even If You Don’t Want Them

by

One of the things I dislike most about the internet (and there isn’t a whole lot, because I love to engage with people this way. When done well, it’s so f-ing cool), is when websites squander too much of my time on a whole lotta nothin’. I dislike it even more when that “nothing” has even less to do with the title of the piece.

If your title is somewhat elusive, or a non sequitur like “Parenthood: A Panic Disorder” make the content interesting and clever, would ya?  I simply loved learning that the “Panic” (in said favorite blog post) came from the fact that the recent time change handed the writer’s young child six hits of acid and said to her,

listen, you’re going to want to take all of these at the same time. Don’t worry about hiding it from your mother. When you start to see the purple dancing elephants, chase them through the house. Narrate everything out loud*.

That’s what I’m talking about.

This comes to mind now, because I was looking around the internet at some of my lovey girls‘ websites, when I came upon a “Holiday Gift Guide.”  Aside from this little “reminder” annoying me (and aside from the fact it is not yet Thanksgiving), it caused the ever so slightest heart palpitation in me.

The real stress came from facing my need to buy presents square in the face…

Presents, that is, for MC Nugget, my two boys and several other people I apparently care enough about to spend money on. More than that, this Holiday Buying Guide just seemed way too freaking early (sigh… it’s not. I’m just not ready to be on that “page” right now).

But after the stress wore off, my initial thought was, hey… maybe I’ll do a buying guide. I could offer the very cool Ms. Cheevious Luggage Tags (hint: they’re in the side bar on the website) and my very own “Humbug Schmumbug, I Want Presents” Line of Tee Shirts, coffee mugs and more (my über talented sister Par-Tay took my painting & created an incredible design), well HELL,  I’d be in business!


These are the tags, in case you are curious.

But no. You see, when I started writing this, I had the luggage tags and tee shirts. That’s TWO products. And two frigging products maketh no buying “guide.” Two products is more of a buying “suggestion” or buying “nudge.”

Okay, so forget the fact that the very next day … after I began writing this, my fabulous sister and I buckled down and now have a full-fledged Humbug SHOP up and running, but still… It’s just not a guide, per se.

After I watched as several other nutty ideas for a “guide” swirled around my skull for a few moments (“Girls Want Presents” and “The Buying Guide of Stuff Girls Want” just two of the brilliant moments) I made a decision.

I will not do it.  Nope. I won’t subject you to any undo stress, heartaches, freak-outs or fainting spells.

But you must know this:  “It” is coming. Oh yes it is. The clock will not stop for you… and we now know what that time change is capable of…

Whether you celebrate Deepavali (day of love and light, which already happened), Quanza, Chanukah, Christmas or Joe’s Crab Tasting, there are probably presents involved – even if you don’t want them to be (notice the emphasis and red font, which categorically relieves me of my title-of-post tie-in responsibility?).

It’s time to grow up and get responsible kiddies.  Yep… You must ALLOW the idea of PRESENTS to enter your brain, even if you don’t want them there (yes… again).

And with that… I’m leaving you with —- wait for it — a CHRISTMAS song. Shameless and sacrilegious as it is before Thanksgiving. I apparently do want to subject you to slow suffering and pain, while you face your present-buying demons head-on. What’re you going to do? Not buy me a present? Well that’s a little harsh. It’s a Muppets song. Anyone can forgive the Muppets.

If you’re seeing this in your email, click here to listen/watch on Youtube. Just do it.

That’s it for now, my lovelies.  If at all possible, I will post a very special edition Thanksgiving post. Wait for it.

Love you people!!!!! Mmmmpppphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis]Chief

* Excerpted directly from Dooce, the blog. Love it.

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Register to receive blog posts via email on the Ms. Cheevious Home page. Be sure to confirm when you receive your verification email!

———————-
Clicking the image is all you need to do to choose “ME”:

Vote For Us @ Top Mommy Blogs

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Check out the “Humbug Schmumbug – I want Presents” shop here.
Check out the Ms. Cheevious luggage tags on Zazzle: “Ms. Cheevious Grand Adventure” shop

———————-

ASK MS. CHEEVIOUS

Have a question that is burning a hole in your brain about Ms. Cheevious…anything she does, her work, the book…life in general… or you want advice about a very important matter – go to our contact page & ASK AWAY.

Your question may be featured in an Ask Ms. Cheevious video segment!

———————-

WE WOULD LOVE TO REVIEW YOUR TECHY PRODUCTS IN MS. CHEEVIOUS’ TECHNO-BABE MOMENTS! GOT ONE?

Contact us.

———————-

FOLLOW MS. CHEEVIOUS IN ALL OF THESE GREAT PLACES:

FB Like Tumblr
Twitter     FB      Videos  Tumblr

You can also follow Ms. Cheevious’ beau M.C. Nugget on Twitter, and NOW on his Facebook Page!

All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious