Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood

My Zany Years Spent Working in Tinsel Town

Lisa Jey Davis

I’ve got better things to do

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I’ve got better things to do

 

Remember the time I told you that my version of a perfect world would call for the immediate and total annihilation and extinction of every living bug and creepy crawly insect in our universe? Well, my ongoing battle with the bug and insect kingdom has been covered here ad nauseum, infinitum. So hows about another topic?

I’ve since changed my entire position on my increased tensions with the bug world. It’s not that the bugs and I actually like each other or get along now, GOD no. And no, we did not elicit help from our Congressional leaders in an effort to cool the tensions. Hell no. Our Congressional leaders are far too busy with more important matters like shutting down our government and stuff.

No, I still loathe the little beasts. But I did realize that if we don’t do something about the bees that are dying in droves on planet earth, we may witness an apocalyptic-like scenario never before seen. Besides, those creepy crawlers and flying pests have made it absolutely clear they’ll follow me to the ends of the earth. The little pests are constantly doing things to annoy me while everyone keeps saying how they’re doing so much GOOD (like pollinating and eating trash and other things). I always protested (to put it mildly), because someone had to cry foul.

But in an effort to preserve the human race (because… save the bees), I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones.  And you guys… this is no small task! We’re talking years of tension! I can clearly recall numerous times I’ve been doing my thing, walking down the block (for example), only to have a bee buzz its way up my nose or into my ear (have I said this before?). I’ve knocked children, tricycles, trees, and the occasional senior citizen down while running, screaming, arms flailing around trying to escape or SMASH the pests to smithereens.

But I have decided that in every new similar situation that arises, I will try to access (from deep within my memory banks) the instructions my dear mother fed me repeatedly while growing up. Instructions for how to deal with bullies:

“Ignore them.”

Do you understand how hard that is for someone like me? Listen. Every single time some freaking idiot kid did something horrific like take my Troll doll and smear it through dog poop in the yard, and my mom said “Just ignore them,” I was the kid who decked the psycho, and then followed her advice….

But I now realize change must come.

I believe with deep resolution that my dear mom’s approach is the best possible option, since my kingdom and the kingdom of the little beasts must dwell together.

So I’d like to seize this moment while tensions are high and everyone is frantically searching for a solution, to let you know just how I plan to be the bigger – um – person.

While the bugs may continue to run around looking for ways to bite me or nip at my delectable skin, I’ll be waxing my very best Meh – and – And you are??? While I’m doing THIS:

Kicking Ass and Taking Names
Kicking Ass and Taking Names. Yep. I have better things to do.

 

SUCK IT bugs.  I mean….

Can’t we all just get along? Because, LORD knows I’ve got better things to do.

Allegory intended.

 

 

This should never be said

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I’ll never forget the first time someone called me “voluptuous.” I think I was fourteen, and had no idea what it meant. I had to look it up before I realized there was cause for serious screaming, especially at my age, barely a pubescent teen.

voluptuous

– definition

1.
a voluptuous woman has a large curved body and is sexually attractive; a voluptuous blonde
; 
voluptuous curves

;

2. 
suggesting or expressing a strong sexual desire; slow voluptuous caresses;

3. a voluptuous taste, smell, etc. affects your senses in a strong and pleasant way; the voluptuous scent of roses;

I can hear it from some of you now: “Being “voluptuous” based on the definition isn’t so bad! It even says, “sexually attractive!” 

Yeah, yeah yeah. Sexually attractive, blah blah BLAH  You could tell any fourteen year old girl she is the most incredibly talented, amazingly brilliant, strikingly gorgeous voluptuous young lady you’ve ever seen. What she’ll hear is “large body.” Another definition used the term “ample.”  You say sexy? She’ll hear “ample.”  It’s in the blood.

voluptuous

Take it from me guys. If you love the feel of those ample hips and dream about larger than life breasts, that’s fine for you. I’m happy for ya. But say any combination of words or phrases like “you’re curvy” “something to hold onto” “you’re not too skinny,” and you can expect to be in for the discussion of your life. There will probably be tears at some point and you may have unwittingly elicited an incredibly strict diet. But do not try this in order to elicit a diet. Reverse psychology tends not to work if women are already over weight. Besides, if she has any brains, she will impose her diet on you too.

It’s not that we don’t want to be attractive to you, it’s that most people in general suffer from that grass is greener syndrome. Add estrogen to that, and suddenly every curvy girl struggles to be wafer thin, and ballerina types will do anything to not be so thin (including getting boob jobs).

Rare gems are comfortable enough in their own skin to embrace what equipment they were born with.

I’ve had a few “tune-ups” along the way due to some unforeseen – er – mishaps in my physique that were beyond my control (like droopy nursing mom’s boobs and enough extra skin on my de-babied belly to tent a small village), but I think I’m finally okay with me.

That’s why I know this shit and can advise you with authority.

IX-NAY on the URVY-CAY and OLUPTUOUS-VAY words.

 

image credit: http://1977shockwolf.deviantart.com/art/Voluptuous-Wonder-Woman-320043673

Those blasted parts that enable us to give birth

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I got my Ms. Cheevious “teal” charm bracelet today! I’m SUPER excited too because it will help to save lives (in its own little way). I was so excited I made THIS VIDEO below. Watching said video will enable you to “get” the my post title, but I will say this: #SaveTheOvaries #SaveTheWomen #SaveTheHumanRace

I’m happy that the video is TOTALLY fun, and encouraging… even though I am NOT very cool. Just watch and tell me what you think. I’ll owe you a piece of chocolate cake at least. Watching it is worth a piece of cake for sure.

The link you can click to get your own cool bracelet? 

http://www.cafepress.com/mscheevious.941206051

It’s no longer known as the breakup meal

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Now DON’T BE SHY. READ THE WHOLE POST & LEAVE A REPLY at the bottom people.

I absolutely love to cook. And not in that, “Yeah… I’ll whip you up some scrambled eggs,” kind of “love to cook” way, either. Sure, I can make all of the basics and I often do, but I am a pretty good cook. I am thrilled to pieces when I’m dining at my favorite restaurant and experience something so incredibly delicious that I want to recreate it in my kitchen.

I do this often.

Often it works out exactly as I’d hoped. Sometimes it’s not so great, and still other times, I exceed my own expectations and am personally wowed. That’s when I pat myself on the back and proceed to forget everything I did to create the magic.

But it’s no small task recreating things you’ve had at one time in a great restaurant.  You’ve got to possess some incredibly resilient taste buds with some kind of elephant memory or something.

On the other hand, it’s totally possible to wow the people you are feeding, without going all Julia Child on them. If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while, you should know this by now: If there is an easy way, I’m going to find it and do it, if I’m not already doing it.

Here’s a hint: This “wowing” is accomplished by cheating.

I do this often (also no surprise). Especially when I’m hungry and I run across an item that will provide me the “cheat” I’m looking for.

This brings me to the other day.

When I came home to cook dinner, I’d been at the market hungry and feeling creative.  The plan was to make really great stir fry, but I just wanted a little something extra. I’d perused the aisles and came across frozen Chicken Shui Mai.

Do you know what this is, you guys?  It’s a little wonton shaped food icon (if food possesses a weird shape, it’s a food icon, like the little twitter bird icon or the little man for “readit”).

shumai

These are Chicken Shui Mai icons.

 

Shui Mai is like a dumpling of YUMMINESS. And the frozen variety usually comes with dipping sauce (I highly recommend it from Trader Joe’s). Ignoring the directions on the package, because, hey – I’ve eaten this stuff. I’ve got this – I whipped out my skillet and sautéed those babies with fresh onion and garlic, a little salt and pepper… It wasn’t long before it was ready to present.

When I brought it out, announcing the Chicken Shui Mail to M.C. Nugget he asked, “Wow! What brings this on?”

Pause…

“Is this the breakup meal?“

I laughed. The guy cracks me up. I can’t help it.

“No seriously! You know what they say… Chicken Shui Mai and it’s all over…”

Okay. This KILLED me! I was laughing, but I promised to stop making it.

…..

…..

It’s no longer known as the breakup meal.

It’s been requested for next Tuesday.

 

 

Image credit: http://rasamalaysia.com/recipe-chicken-shu-mai-siu-mai/

#DailyMisChief, #Recipes, #Cooking, #Dating, #Breakup

When this goes it’s all over

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Yesterday I went into the bathroom and almost peed through my cute little undies.  This was not a move of desperation, like oh my god, I gotta go so bad, I’m gonna’ pee my pants. No, I simply forgot to drop my drawers.

Thank god I realized what was happening before I embarrassed myself, but this thing got me thinking.

First, I thought Damn hormones… so this is what it means when it says hormone replacement therapy can cause dementia? That’s it. I’m going off hormones, even if it means I’ll be a shriveled up old lady before I’m fifty. 

But wait, there’s more. Though most times it’s the lack of hormones that causes weigh gain in women, hormones are also partly to blame for fighting my every effort to stay fit, lean and GOH-JUSS. Stupid, bi-polar hormones. And when I say fight, I mean they fight me like a bulldog that has a hold of a chunk of steak. You gotta surgically remove the steak from that dog’s mouth.

Like that.

And yes, pun intended. I have seriously considered lipo.

So, BONUS. Without hormones, I’d be a skinny, shriveled prune before I’m fifty.

As I pondered what was (or wasn’t) going on in my mind when I almost peed my panties, I had an epiphany.

There are a boatload of stories that have been played out in movies, on television and in books of elderly people who forget where they are or can’t find their way home. These are the stories of people with dementia, and I thought, IT’S JUST LIKE THAT. 

Going to the bathroom is something so familiar we don’t have to “think” about it. It comes by ROTE, as does driving home, remembering our phone number or ATM pin.

 

I said to Nuggie “You know I’ve enjoyed our time together. So as long as you don’t mind when I become a skinny wrinkly mess, we’re good. Because when my ROTE goes, it’s all over.”

I was pretty damn proud of my discovery too. GOD I am good. I wonder if neuro or geriatric surgeons realize this? I know they talk about short term memory loss, but have they really analyzed this shit? Have they factored in the ROTE?

What about the ROTE FACTOR?

ROTE you guys! I can’t live without that at such a young age!

Then I realized how utterly Lucille Ball-esque this situation was. So what if I sat down on the toilet and almost peed through my lacey thong? It’s not the first time I’ve done something and reminded myself of the brilliant redheaded comedienne in the sky (minus the brilliant and of course, the sky part). She would totally be all over this piece of work if she were still living today. Maybe not the peeing part, but the FUNNY, people. The funny.

So I decided to give this hormone replacement therapy thing a while to find its sea legs. But I won’t let it go on forever, that’s for damn sure. Because you guys, if I go out of the house naked one day, you’ll be responsible for taking care of me.

You’re good with that, right?

alzheimers