Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood

My Zany Years Spent Working in Tinsel Town

Nuggie

I’m a GREAT mom. I SWEAR.

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#DailyMischief

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I’ve said this before… that my other boyfriend has 27 inches. It’s true. M.C. Nugget is TOTALLY in over his head… . And it’s not just because of the size. I become entranced when I’m with my other guy. I only have eyes for him. Everyone around me just disappears. And all things considered, Nuggie is actually pretty great with all this, even though I don’t even know if he’s in the same room when I’m with my 27 inch-er…

I guess you could say Nuggie and I have an “open relationship” when it comes to this.

If you’re new, I’m sorry. You think I’m a total sleaze. Well… Pfff! I probably am… but don’t get your g-string in a bunch (if that’s even possible). The other boyfriend I’m talking about is my Big Screen (otherwise known as my 27″ iMac computer).

I’m about to go around the block to get next door with a little story here, but if you want the short version, scroll down past the TOTALLY interesting story just below.. you won’t miss a THING. Swear.To.God.

I’ve always had a love affair with technology, dating back to listening to my transistor radio by the neighborhood pool when I was six. And  I’m pretty good at all things “techno.” Have you seen my “Techno-Babe Moments” videos? When I first married my ex-husband, I was 23. He took me to his family’s cabin in the woods (and by cabin, I mean a luxury home with a full-sized washer, dryer, two bathrooms, satellite TV and telephone service inside). Though it had all the luxuries of home, the place was secluded in a breathtaking mountain valley known as Pearl Lakes, CO, Upon arrival I learned their satellite TV was broken. It was an old-fashioned satellite, straight out of the 80’s… A giant dish sat outside their living room window, and it required dish owners to “subscribe” to various services that had satellites floating up in space. Many of them were free, some were not. They had names like Galaxy19, Telstar and so on. My ex’s family hadn’t been able to watch TV since just after the guy installed it and someone in the family tried to change the position of the satellite to watch something. All they saw was snow. So, my first day there, against warnings that I would light the thing on fire by the end of the day, I sat, undeterred, communing with the piece of equipment. I had it working within about an hour and I’d never used one of those things in my life.

I’m just sayin’…

So, the other day, I was thinking about my son Graden, when he was about six or seven and we lived in our condo in Los Angeles. He was (and still is) brilliant and resourceful, and he quickly found ways to reach me through the deep, magnetic pull of my computer screen (though back then it was probably only about 12 inches). Poor kid was forced to be resourceful if he wanted to eat (it was all a part my plan to train him for the apocalypse).

One of the first ways he did this went something like this:

“Mom!”

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“Mom!”

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“Mom!”

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“Mom!”

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…..

“LISA!!!”

 

I immediately heard him, snapped out of it, felt guilty and ran to his side.

This reaction greatly pleased Graden. The heavens opened up and the angels did sing on that day.

But that was IT. My life of peaceful communion with my computer was over. Graden started getting creative with things like yelling, or singing made up songs with my name in it, even grabbing my sleeve with his construction clamp-y toy.

This did not bode well for either of us.

Pull me away from “work” accidentally? Okay. But start devising ways to pull me away from my work to say “hi,” “what are you doing?” or any other random statement… uh… NO.

At the same time, I’m not a horrible person.

No, really.

I actually understood my little guy’s need for mommy time and attention, even if I was working (yes… yes… I actually did work from home then).

So, we came up with a system.

I sat down with him on his bed, snuggled him, looked him sweetly and deeply in the eyes and explained that mommies need to have other people and things in their lives too. That my computer was a way for me to provide a roof over his head. That if he continued to interrupt in such a way, we would be sleeping on the street in a cardboard box very soon, and did he want that to happen? No, of course he didn’t. I also let him know that he had no reason to be jealous… just because the computer obeyed me every single time and made my life easier, it wasn’t his fault… and he had no reason to feel threatened, or afraid. It really was HIM that I loved.

I Really DO Love My Son More Than My Computer

You can tweet something like that above, by clicking HERE.

So, I pulled out a white sheet of paper, and I told him that if he ever REALLY NEEDED to pull me away from my work… from my ability to keep us from living on the street, he could QUIETLY slip that baby in front of the computer screen.

I further educated him on situations when this interruption was appropriate:

a fire

an accident involving my vodka

a flood

an earthquake.

This actually worked pretty well. Poor little Graden. He still does this to this day.

He’s 20.

JUST KIDDING! I’m a GREAT mom!

But when I remembered this the other day, I immediately texted him. These are fond memories for me. So our text went something like this:

 

Kids say the darndest things

Kids say the damnedest things, don’t they?! You see?? I’m not such a horrible mom. Look how long it took HIM to respond!!!!

 

I know, I know. The cliche’s don’t escape me (they never do): The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, You reap what you sow, etc. etc. etc.

Until next time, people!

 

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Blog content copyright 2015, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms.Cheevious.

 

 

 

I would *NEVER* do that

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I WOULD *NEVER* DO THAT

 

#DailyMischief

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So, I was thinking about all this cyber terrorism going on – the hack on Sony – the hack on ME – yep… my website was hacked and down for three weeks at the hands of muslim extremist hackers. Because we ALL know what a threat I and my 1000 visitors per day are to them. I mean, I don’t blame them, really. I can be f-ing SCARY. In fact, even as I type this – BAM – another terrorist muslim extremist faction drops – BAM – just like that. DROPS LIKE A FLY.

Remember what happened to the Syrian Electronic Army, after I wrote that one article?

Cyber_Attack

Of course you don’t. I’m THAT good.

But Nuggie and I discussed this at length over cocktails recently. It’s not just terrorists, or cyber terrorists. It’s not just muslim extremists either. We now have homegrown terrorism to worry about. Yep. It’s a THING now. The Boston bombers were just one example.

Based on this, I have decided I would actually PREFER the NSA resume eavesdropping tactics. I’d be a little surprised if people didn’t start begging for it, really.

So the NSA has my permission. They should keep up the good work, and not stand for any other countries showing us who the cyber-bosses are.

BUT IT HAS TO BE WITHIN LIMITS.

Because, I could totally see the NSA accidentally coming after me.

We can’t really blame them, can we? Poor NSA. All the signs could potentially point to me being a major threat, right? You know, cuz I always seem to make money appear from out of nowhere n’ stuff.

It could happen…

NSA: We see you were in some debt recently, ma’am. But we also see you’ve made some large deposits into your bank account… And then their was the hack of your website…. which begs the question:

WHY WOULDN’T YOU SELL SECRETS TO NORTH KOREA? DID YOU? AND DID YOU MAKE A DEAL THAT WENT HORRIBLY WRONG? DID THEY HACK YOUR WEBSITE? TELL US!

ME: Wait…. North Korea is buying secrets? What kind of secrets?

NSA: And what kind of code name is this MS. CHEEVIOUS?  And who is this MC NUGGET? Some kind of agent? If so, he’s not a very good agent. He never gets anything done, but he seems to be everywhere.

I’m just saying. We need the NSA’s protection, people. Americans should be NUMERO UNO at cyber war games. This means we can snoop, and pay attention, but we do NOT make stupid mistakes and we do NOT falsely accuse people. We have to KNOW our shit.

I mean, even though I have some really great stories and would probably fold like a cheap suit when asked to sell my juicy secrets… conduct any sort of business with or sell anything to North Korea? Um, NO. I would NEVER do that.

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#MomFactor: Watch what your kids are into online and do NOT let them write threatening articles or poke fun at the Syrian Electronic, or any other cyber army. It just doesn’t pay.

Register to receive these posts once a week by email and get the blissful yoga routine in an eBook “Ahhhhh…Haaaaaa Moments with Ms. Cheevious” by Lisa Jey Davis for FREE as a result (up to a $4.99 value!). Registration is on the right sidebar of every blog post, or on our Facebook page. See you next time.

Blog content copyright 2014, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms.Cheevious.

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For your viewing pleasure, here is a screenshot of what my website looked like before my über talented computer guy took my site back:

(you can click the image to see the full size and scare the bujeebies outta you):

hacked site image

 

 

I was rocking *AND* rolling

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I WAS ROCKING *AND* ROLLING

 

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So the other night, M.C. Nugget and I went out for some cocktails with my new BFFs Marrie and Suzie. I mentioned here how Marrie and Suzie (fellow bloggers who also dish on dating and relationships) and I have known each other for about six years or something, and yet we just met in person this week. That was a very cool experience.

But on Friday night we brought the SMACK DOWN on nightlife in Santa Monica when the four of us decided to meet for drinks after happy hour, after we’d already had a couple of cocktails.

Sure, it began as a respectable gathering. We grabbed a great table on the outside patio at Areal (our favorite place), and shared funny stories. It felt very civilized. I think… I mean, isn’t THIS what respectable, fun and interesting adults do? I’m just curious.

After a few cocktails and a couple of other stops, we (me) decided it was time to dance. I like to dance, and if I hear good music, I’m done for. Play a song I’m in love with at the moment, and I AM CUTTING A RUG, you guys. It’s a weakness I was born with (it runs in my family, as evidenced by the above photo). If the Pied Piper tried to woo me, that blasted flute thing wouldn’t do. Not unless he played a beat-box track along with it. Then, I’d be toast. And this is true, whether there is alcohol involved or not. Alcohol merely intensives things.

So, there was that.

As the evening at Bar Copa (the closest dance place we could get to) progressed, I decided to busta-move in front of our little table. When I say busta-move, I don’t mean twerking, no. We’re talking deep knee bends… the kind where you squat all the way down to the floor and stand right back up. I can do this… normally. 

I was able to do it a couple of times, but I was a little wobbly, so instead of cutting my losses and moving on, I chose to keep trying. I teetered forward a couple of times, catching myself on the little table in front of me, until I finally over compensated, and rolled backward onto my BUTT.

ON THE FLOOR.

ON MY ASS.

Great way to break out my slick cool moves for my new girlfriends, I know.

Nuggie quickly jumped up, “Okay, dancy, come and sit over here with me.” But there was no controlling me. I just kept rocking AND rolling.

It wasn’t the alcohol, I swear.

It was THESE SHOES.

I rocked AND rolled

I promise, if you try to deep-knee-bend-dance in these shoes, you WILL invent a new dance. It will be called the ROLLY POLLY.

It brings a whole new meaning to the song “Get on up on the dance floor.”

 

#MomFactor: Every mom needs a little fun now and then. That’s all I got. 

 

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Register to receive these posts once a week by email and get the blissful yoga routine in an eBook “Ahhhhh…Haaaaaa Moments with Ms. Cheevious” by Lisa Jey Davis for FREE as a result. Registration is on the right sidebar of every blog post, or on our Facebook page. See you next time.

Blog content copyright 2014, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms.Cheevious.

 

 

Release the hounds

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RELEASE THE HOUNDS

 

#DailyMischief

 

 

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File this one under pure mischief and sheer utter silliness, you guys.

The other day Nuggie and I were out sampling the mixology at the Canal Club in Venice Beach (our new cool spot for happy hour), when a guy walked by our window with his Bassett Hound. I think Bassett Hounds may be an endangered species. Seriously. When was the last time you saw one?

As the guy walked by, I looked out the window and marveled. These dogs are actually pretty big dogs if you think about it. Their bodies are pretty large for those short, little legs.

SIDE NOTE: I was also sipping on the best Ginger Martini I’ve ever tasted (though it was really my first) and it packed a punch, so you won’t be surprised what happened next.

I said, “I wonder what Bassett Hounds would look like if they had longer legs?”

As often happens, M.C. Nugget was confused. “What do you mean? Like, what kind of animal?”

“No, I mean, what kind of dog would they look like? Do you think a Labrador?”

“Maybe,” he said. Then he stopped himself short and teased, “What? Are you getting out the lab coat again so you can find out? BRING IN THE LAB COAT!”

“I just might!” I defended. “Think about it! These dogs are very large for those little legs!”

We laughed and I continued:

“I couldn’t very well say ‘Release the Hounds’ with regular Bassett Hounds. They’d only mosey over and waddle to their prey.” (you can tweet that)

Release the Hounds

But hmm… longer legs…

I can’t wait to get my lab coat on and conduct the experiment.

If only I had a lab…or a coat.

TRUST ME: NO ANIMALS WERE, OR WILL EVER BE HARMED BY MS. CHEEVIOUS.

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Photo credit: megawump1 / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)

Back in the day when I ate that…

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BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I ATE THAT…

 

#DailyMischief

 

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Did I tell you about how I ate too much of the wrong foods over Thanksgiving and then I did it again while I was on location with M.C. Nugget (while he was in a film)? I’m sorry that I don’t recall telling you guys. I’ve said it so much lately and lord knows I’ve kvetched about it somewhere  on cyberspace. So it’s most definitely OUT THERE. I’m just not sure where it is out there, because my GOD, I blog and write and tweet and post until my fingers move continuously and automatically… as if by rote. I’ve decided it’s pointless to try to keep track. Speaking of which… the fact my fingers seemingly work by rote to get my online work done is the polar opposite of what happened that other time. Remember? When my rote memory short-circuited and I went to the bathroom and almost forgot to pull down my panties? My fingers working like that are a small miracle.

Okay – now I’m tired. What was I saying, by the way?

Oh yes. I ate so much and so badly over Thanksgiving and during my time in Tucson with Nuggie — I feasted for about two months — that I decided my time in Massachusetts visiting Nuggie’s family would be a good time to get a head start on all that New Year’s health and fitness resolution mumbo-jumbo.

Can someone please take a look inside my ears and tell me if there are tiny midget aliens residing in my skull? Because I don’t know what possessed me to do this. THIS during my beloved baking, candies, egg nog, cakes, pies and – well – yumminess season. Don’t I know myself by now? I love vodka. I love chocolate. I love anything with powdered sugar, cheese, nuts… okay anything at all. But THIS:

bûche de noël in a chocolate cage

YUM.

And… enough with the shenanigans-of-an-article. I’m actually doing quite well on my quest for health during the month of death-food, thank you very much.

The other day, I was feeling proud of myself and sarcastically said to Nuggie’s brother, I don’t need any of that bread. Back in the day when I ate that… (you know… way back last week)…  I had enough of it then.

Enough said.

Have a fun holiday. Have a healthy holiday… and don’t drink irresponsibly, so that people think you’re a drunk. Here’s a link to my vlog about THAT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCd5Z3zLqzk

 

photo credit:
distopiandreamgirl / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

 

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Register to receive these posts once a week by email and get my eBook “Ahhhhh…Haaaaaa Moments with Ms. Cheevious” for FREE as a result. Registration is on the right side bar of every blog post, or on our Facebook page. See you next time.

Blog content copyright 2014, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious.