Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood

My Zany Years Spent Working in Tinsel Town

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Inner Giggle Override

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Thursday night was the opening of the play “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” the masterpiece by Tennessee Williams, in which my man M.C. Nugget* stars as the male lead, “Brick.” The play opened in Santa Barbara, which is about an hour and a half north of Los Angeles.

On Thursday afternoon at about 2:30 PM I headed up the coast. I won’t give every detail of that debacle of a road trip, but suffice it to say that the super intelligent MapQuest app for my iPhone, when coupled with the blonde hair on my head, erroneously led me through FARM country, with one-lane roads frequented by gigantic tractors. It extended my drive by about, oh an hour. Once I made it to Santa Barbara, I immediately met up with Nuggie and sat down for a cocktail before I did a single.other.thing.

Nuggie gave me advance warning about the length of the play, and was interested to see how the audience would fare for three hours (with one intermission). The verdict? It was stupendous. We (the audience) were enthralled. We laughed, we were tense, we got emotional. Watching and taking-in their production felt like living a great piece of literature.

Afterward, some of the cast, crew and I went out to a nearby restaurant. We must have been giving off that “I love abuse. Would you please treat me badly?” vibe, because we experienced some incredibly inexplicable, bad service. It didn’t matter that we were giving them more money than they (or their food/beverages) were worth. After about forty minutes of abuse (at midnight), the place closed and we headed to a little dive bar called the Wild Cat. From the outside it looked like the kind of place where patrons regularly exit through the plate-glass window. But inside was a mixed-bag of “wild.” There were go-go dancers in the back, beer stained Mardi Gras beads hanging from Jack Daniel’s mirrors from the 70’s, and a clientele that appeared to be gay, but even that became mixed within minutes of our arrival. Apparently many places in Santa Barbara close at midnight during the week.

Speaking of adult beverages (we weren’t, but we were going to),  I believe all humans have a “Stop Drinking Alert System” (SDAS). My SDAS is constantly overridden by other, more powerful forces. Said forces include a) having too little to eat, being b) hormonal, c) tired, d) dehydrated, e) over-worked, f) under-worked, g) broke, h) landing a new client, i) receiving a big windfall of cash, or j) having a friend who wants to celebrate and/or drown in their sorrows. I’m exaggerating, of course, but when you’ve lived any kind of a life, you tend to rack up situations ripe for “SDAS override.”

On Thursday it was my inner giggle that trumped the SDAS. This wasn’t all my fault. Perhaps it was the difficult drive from earlier, or the lack of sleep which has become all too common lately.  But on top of that, one of the cast members — she played “May” – kept cracking funny jokes and BUSTING ME UP! We became BFFs faster than the bar could close at 1:30 AM and shove our giggly butts through the plate glass window (no, they did not even try, and I was a little miffed).

The problem with those evenings when the laughter is “just right” (not too giddy, not too silly) and the drinks seem to be bottomless, is that no one ever wants the evening to end. Ms. May happily announced there was more wine back at the hotel. So, naturally we all gathered in one of the rooms and drank that wine (and laughed more) for three more hours.

Three more hours.

M.C. Nugget’s suggestions to put the evening (and me) to bed fell on deaf ears… or laughing lips.

Ms. May and I were like two sorority girls giggling about the frat boys across the room. It was utterly ridiculous and more pointless fun than I’ve had in a very long time.

But I’m tired now.

I had no idea my inner giggle could so easily override my Stop Drinking Alert System and keep me awake into the wee hours of the morning. This, after I’d slept a whole four hours the previous night. I’d like to know if there is such thing as an Inner Giggle Override, and if so, where can I pick one up? Amazon?

Tune in next time you gorgeous individuals, when I’ll have something extra special for ya.

Love you people!!!! Mmmphhhuuuhhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

*M.C. Nugget and the entire cast of characters on Ms. Cheevious are described here.

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

Are You a Friend of Bill?

Where Ms. Cheevious talks about her experience with this secret guy.. or code… or whatever…

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HIT ME BEE-OTCH!

Where Ms. Cheevious’ hair stylist, Scissor Sister shares the naughty, hilair-lair details of her trip to Vegas.

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

The Elephant in the Room: Idioms in Real Time

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When I talk to my friends and family, I’m constantly making jokes.  These are not razor sharp wit-filled jokes, no. My jokes tend toward sheer utter silliness. My thing is to use idioms to get a laugh. It’s a sickness, really. For example, today I grabbed stuffed mushrooms from the refrigerator that had been sitting, festering for too long, and I said to M. C. Nugget, “Uh-oh! Honey! There’s a ‘fungus among us’.”

I know.  Kill you now.

I would tell you I’m sorry for that, but I’m PRITTTY DARN worried about myself right now. Think about it. Think of the pressure I must feel to be able to constantly apply idioms in a literal way. Eventually I’m going to run out of real-life situations.  It’s not like I’m planning to go into a broken down, leaky submarine anytime soon, where I’ll be able to say, “That’s as funny as a screen door on a submarine.”  Let’s hope not.

But I thought up some fun idioms and found images on the internet to help you imagine what it could look like in REAL life:

A Chip on His Shoulder

This I could make happen.


The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

I have used this figuratively all the time, but I just don’t see a way it’s going to happen in real life.

A Drop in the Bucket

Seriously?  One drop? That’s one I can DEFINITELY make happen. Oh the fun never stops.

Useless as Tits on a Bull

This one may be a bit difficult… but it was funny.

The Elephant in the Room

Wouldn’t it be awesome to be some place…. maybe the Natural History Museum, in the room with Woolly Mammoths… walk up to the exhibit with your friends and say “Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?”  Well, it’d be great for me, but this is why I should probably be committed. Because I would REALLY do that.

YOUR CHALLENGE:

There were so many of these great sayings, I couldn’t do them all justice. Your mission is to tell me how you could apply any of these idioms (or those below) to real life situations!  Feel free to provide links to images that tell your story in the comments.

If the idioms here in this article don’t do it for you there is a link at the bottom, where I got them. Have fun. I look forward to your input!  Fun times!

MORE IDIOMS

Blessing in Disguise

Come Hell or High Water

A Dime a Dozen

Graceful as a pig on ice

Don’t Throw me Under the Bus

The Cat’s Meow

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Don’t be a Doubting Thomas

That’s a Piece of Cake – Don’t I WISH I could say this literally. Like, every day.

No Pot to Piss In

12 Kinds of Stupid

Day late and a dollar short

Square peg in a round hole

The Cat’s Out of the Bag

http://www.idiomsite.com

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And now, for pure comic relief:

What’s the best way to attack a circus? Go for the juggler! Yuck Yuck!

See you next time, for something really ridonk-ulous.

Love you people!!!! Mmmphhhuuuhhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

MY PHANTOM OVARY

Would I suffer alternating bouts of uncontrollable laughter, to screaming… then weeping? (and that’s just Nuggie!) So, I did myself and everyone else around me a favor,,,

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ALOHA NATIONAL CHICKEN MONTH

Where Ms. Cheevious tells of her spontaneous adventure to HAWAII.  YAY!  Who DOESN’T love a last minute trip to HAWAII!?

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You can also follow Ms. Cheevious’ beau M.C. Nugget on Twitter, and NOW on his Facebook Page!

All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

Things We Enjoyed This Week: Esquire Magazine

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We’re pleased to launch a new series for MsCheevious.com, entitled Things We Enjoyed This Week. (And by ‘we” of course, “we” mean me – Editor in (Mis) Chief, and primary writer here). This little nugget will come to you as frequent as those things we enjoy are revealed to us – and equally as seldom. Let’s try not to keep track, shall we?

Things We Enjoyed This Week – The Week of August 26, 2012

September’s Esquire Magazine

Recent issue read, cover-to-cover: September 2012, Volume 153, No. 2

Why: It’s intelligent, interesting and doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s also environmentally friendly (in this month’s note from David Granger, Editor in Chief, he cleverly wove his obsession with energy into an interesting and witty introduction of an article on the United States’ use of oil and the tar sands. Sounds dry, but he forayed that into a teaser-finish on a article still brewing about natural gas, and, he was able to “still be crazily entertaining.”).

One Thing We Especially Liked: Esquire Indulges, page 42

It’s a page devoted to requests by readers, and this little gem shows up in the Front of Book, which means there’s a boat load of good, meaty reading to follow.

Kudos to the magazine for recognizing that its writers and editors don’t hold an exclusive on good ideas.

Our favorite from this page? Recent Birth Announcements by A.J. Jacobs.

Jacobs brings little known current events as well as social mores or cultural quips to our attention in the form of witty birth announcements (Below are re-config’d samples – a cheap attempt at replicating what you will see in the magazine):

There’s bouncing baby boy “My Grudge” –

And little whipper snapper “Sin” –

To see what’s in the issue in a nutshell go to the Esquire Magazine website:

Stay tuned for more of the Things We Enjoyed This Week, and perhaps something entirely different.

Enjoy Every Moment my lovelies.

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

Lessons Learned While Conquering the World: #2 How To Deliver Kids That Don’t Suck

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I sat down at the end of week-one of my glorious vacation to Manchester By the Sea, MA, just 30 miles North of Boston (visiting the family of M.C. Nugget), to write this quick article.

After promising to encourage you to BE the person you would want your kids to be (or something along those lines – as a follow up to “Lessons Learned While Conquering the World: #1 Overcommitting is a Bitch“), I serendipitously read a post on Huffington Post Parents – an interview with psychologist Madeline Levine, author of the book everyone is buzzing about, “Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success.” Funny.  It must be in the ether out there – this concern about raising good, smart, well-adjusted kids.

I know what I promised, but I’ve decided to shorten the point.  How about “How to deliver kids to this world that don’t suck?”

You singles without kids — Don’t run away too quickly.  Because turning out a generation that won’t enter movie theaters with an arsenal of weapons intending to kill everyone in its path (or at best, steal, lie and cheat…) is apparently a job for the entire community, because it ain’t happening through their parents. And accomplishing something TRULY radical, like maybe raising responsible, smart, successful, well-adjusted kids… and hell, how about kids who end up as fun-to-be-around adults for a change?  That’s even more on us.  Yep, US.  That means you and me.

Why us?  Because most parents are failing miserably, far and wide. They aren’t even trying to be parents.  They’re trying to be best friends to their kids.  What’s worse is they aren’t even succeeding at that.  At best, they are the most unpopular friend in their kids’ circle of friends. They’re the one that gets picked on and hazed by their spoiled kids and his or her spoiled friends.

Oops. Now I’ve gone and offended a whole slew of people. Probably most people. Because, as I said – most parents today suck at parenting.

Now, before you get all twisted inside and write me hate mail, or provide me a laundry list of all of the things you do right for your kids – let me qualify this by saying, you are probably the exception.  And I mean that.  Which means that your kids are the exception as well. So, in your case, this article is merely going to serve as robust ammunition for you, when a rock is thrown through your front window by someone else’s lousy kids, who were all the while laughing, not at all afraid of repercussion from you… (I swear, it’s the stuff psycho-thiller flicks are made of. Where the “good” parent blows a gasket, punishing and torturing all the horrible kids to a cheering theatre audience). Then you can bring up how these other parents are failing their kids, themselves and society as a whole.

Also, I am not talking about mentally challenged kids or parents, or all of the rare instances and situations that are the exception to what I’m saying.  You know who I’m writing about here. You all know parents who suck. They can’t control their kids, they don’t do anything to teach their kids right from wrong, and sometimes they even justify their kids’ wrong-doing, because they want their kids to “discover” what’s right or wrong “for them.” Whatever the hell that means. God forbid they establish and hold them to any “rules.” As if anything in life ever required anyone to follow “rules!”

So much for writing a quick article.  Let me speed things along here.

Hang onto your hats, because earth-shattering points are not easily made in short, succinct posts. But I’m pretty good. I’ll make it happen. Pay attention. This is going to be quick. I’m going to ROCK YOUR WORLD with just TWO things sucky parents can do to insure that their little darling Suzy won’t end up in the state women’s correctional institution.

Though my kids are still growing, and the jury is still out on how they’ll turn out, I’ve learned some things along the way, while conquering this great world of ours. Trust me.  I battle these things every day with my own kids, their own role models and step-parents, and I evaluate my own actions constantly to be sure I’m not a sucky parent as well.

Here they are:

1. MAN (OR WOMAN) UP

You are the boss. They are the underling. End of story. What you say goes. You are not perfect, you may not even be right, but you are the BOSS. You have earned your right to make mistakes, even if they don’t like it or it doesn’t sound “fair.” It is not a democracy.  You were not voted into this office. They have an issue with you being in office?  Tell them to talk to the great GENE POOL in the sky, because you didn’t ask for them to show up and stage a mutiny either.  Tough Toast kiddos.

This doesn’t mean you lousy parents can lay down martial law and go all NUTSO up in your kids’ faces.  I’m not talking abuse here. You have to figure out a balance, and be sure to temper yourself with what’s “RIGHT.” And you’ll need the next step to help you out.

2. DO WHAT YOU SAY (Otherwise known as DO UNTO OTHERS baby)

If you’ve ever been a lousy parent (at any moment of any day), you’ve probably said this all-to-familiar line (or heard it when your own parents were being lousy): Do as I say, NOT as I do.

Now how the HELL is THAT going to work? As asinine it sounds, lousy parents around the globe actually tell their kids to behave in ways they don’t even attempt to exemplify.  “Don’t lie”… (it’s not lying if I really must miss work), “Don’t cheat” (unless of course I could win ALOT of money), “Don’t steal” (it’s really just borrowing.. my sister never uses that),  the list goes on.

FAILURE-LOSER parents don’t brush their teeth every single day and night, don’t wash their hands before meals, and after every bathroom use, don’t take the grocery cart back to the rack in the parking lot, and don’t refrain from gossiping about other adults behind their backs, all the while telling their kids to do those very things.

Hey – we all screw those things up!  But sucky parents screw up and pretend they didn’t or make excuses for themselves, telling their kids to do the right thing without fail. You non-parents are no angels here either.  Hey, my son who’s under eighteen lives out of state with his dad.  I get it.  We are use to living single, child-free lives.  We expect kids to be sweet and respectful to everyone, then make exceptions and excuses for ourselves when we curse like sailors in traffic, or at the mall parking lot… or really, anytime it’s convenient (the excuses part, people… not the cussing part… although I do that whenever it’s convenient too).

The point is – If you do what you SAY, you’ll be a better person. PERIOD. The kids in your life will be better too.

If you screw up, admit it, address it, apologize, and move forward and make an effort to DO WHAT YOU SAY the next time.  Is it really that difficult?

I’m done. Go forth and change the kids of the world, already, would you?

Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuuhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

4 Random Things I Didn’t Know

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This post was inspired while perusing a blog by Penelope Trunk, which I happened to find through the 2011 Forbes top websites for women list. In a quick perusal of her blog, I stumbled upon a post titled “7 Things You Don’t Know About Women and Work.” It was rather interesting.  Enough so that I pinned it to Lisa Jey Davis‘ “Blogs I Like” board.

I’m not going to tell you what that article says here, however. If you want to know what it says, you’ll have to go there and read it for yourself. After you read mine.

Most articles inspire me in some way.  I see every article as an open discussion. That’s why often you’ll find comments from me (and my alter ego, for that matter) on various internet articles.  I feel as though it’s one, big, giant conversation. Hopefully one day, you will see this site as a place to have an interesting conversation as well. That is my dream for you, my minions.

Now onto topic:  Here are 4 Random Things I Didn’t Know.

1.  There is no money in writing about women. I did not know that.  I never really thought about it.  Hell, no one ever said I was going to get rich being a writer, so I’m not surprised there are categories which pay more.  Penelope Trunk wrote about how one of the first pieces of advice she was given when she started getting paid to write, was to not write about women (oops). She was apparently fired twice for ignoring that advice. Then again, she is a finance and business writer. (The website she is known for is, after all, named Brazen Careerist).

Whew. I’m safe, since I am not a business or finance writer. I am also not worried about the money. Not yet.

Plus, I don’t write ABOUT women. I write women. I paint women with my words, the way I believe they look (or should look… act… believe) in all their beauty (look at me, waxing poetic!). My goal is to show women how to “just be” and how to be happy in that. As I write, I weave each woman into a beautiful painting that both men and women enjoy. Right?

RIGHT?

2. Being a publicist is a thankless job – OR –  Hiring a publicist is a necessary evil. This one is totally random because most people are not publicists. (Scratch that). And it’s not at all about women, unless, well, you are a female publicist.  I’ve recently come to this conclusion. I didn’t know this before choosing a profession, obviously, which is probably the reason why I now find myself to be… well, a publicist. Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do. And there is job security.  Most people grow tired of this thankless, cutthroat business.  Not me. I’m an animal, and I can be a cutthroat bitch when I need to be. I was picked on by six brothers growing up, so I’ve got the moxy to come out of the ring fighting.  It’s great for now, and because I am good at it, I am successful.

FACT: No matter how much press you get for clients, it is never enough. And it is just too damn difficult to measure. If I get you on the morning news in one of the largest markets in the US, how much is that worth to you? And how much is it worth, if say, five years from now, people are still seeing that footage on youtube or someplace, and becoming clients or fans, or want to interview you for their show? The same goes for that magazine article that gets read five years laters in the bathrooms of America. It just can’t be measured. Conversely, as businesses grow, or actors/writers/celebrities gain popularity, and clothing or beauty products become all the rage, they all find that hiring a publicist is a necessary evil.  If they don’t have a publicist, there is no one to filter all of the thousands (if they are lucky) of requests, no one to protect them or do damage control if necessary, and no one to keep the machine well-oiled by constantly prodding and pressuring the press to interview or feature them.  It’s a dirty, thankless job, and I am damn good at it. I’m not loving the thankless / necessary evil part, as it tends to rob me of my passion, which leads me to #3.

3. Just because you are good at something does not mean you should do it for a living. I never KNEW that!  I thought that was the point: to do what we are good at! Didn’t we all as kids ask our parents, “How do you know what you should be when you grow up, mommy?” And didn’t all our mommy’s reply, “Find something you are good at and do that”? (Forget the fact that our mom’s answered our ‘what should we “be”‘ with what we should “do.” There’s another article in that). If you are really talented in a skill and equally passionate about it, well then, you should consider doing it for a living.  That is the point.

I am really glad I am finding this out now though. Because, it’s not like it’s too late or anything. Right?

RIGHT?

Right. That’s why, though I’m a publicist, I’m also writing a book, my blogs, articles for other websites, and producing videos around the clock. All because I love painting women, both figuratively, with my words, and actually. I may be damn good at PR and Marketing, but my passion is in the stuff I love: writing and creating. It’s all about affecting the lives of other people in positive ways. That is, until I find something else that I’m more passionate to write / create about.

And on that note, I thought this was really apropos here, because I am my own boss:

4. As we grow older we have to reposition ourselves. This one just recently occurred to me, and it’s a doozy.

I  am a marketing maven, so of course I apply marketing concepts (repositioning) to my personal life. I firmly believe, those who plan and strategize ahead of time (even in their own personal development), will be the most successful and happily adjusted. So I’m on it.  Hell I should be an expert, I’ve had so many identities.

Much of my identity throughout my life was and is tied to how I look.  It’s that way for everyone I believe. Though my type of blond, blue-eyed looks are NOT for everyone, for some reason I was not found to be repulsive to the masses. It sometimes made life easier, and sometimes it did not. Here’s a quick chronological list of a few of my identities and how they related to my looks:

Cute Figure Skater
Pretty Cheer Leader
Talented (and not too bad looking) musician/singer/songwriter (who could look pretty good in a beret)
Straight-A College Student (I was told in college that it was because of my looks they assumed I wanted to work in front of the camera doing newscasting, rather than producing.  This was incorrect.)
Wife and Mother – (The wife part – though I was considered arm candy for much of it – ended as it does for many, but even as my kids grew, I was “too pretty” to be allowed to meet my grown son’s friends).
Rock Climber / Snow Boarder / Adventurer of sorts – this was a fun one, because it was NOT expected that I, in my girlish position and “softer looks,” would ever want to be a hardcore, serious, extreme athlete.  But I did.
Business Woman – Marketing & PR (no good looks here required, but they did not and do not hurt).

Before I go on, and before someone out there chooses to write a blog review post about this, stating how obsessed I was with my “good looks” let me say this:  We all marveled at how non-attractive Susan Boyle is/was when she hit American Idol in England. We were shocked by the beauty of her voice. Why was that okay?  And why is it wrong for me to address looks as they have affected me in my life? I am the first to admit that I have flaws like cellulite and blemishes, just like every single person on the planet. I also believe that beauty is a perception. We only know whether we look good to others by the way they respond to us. So really, I could be BUTT UGLY, but because for the most part, people have responded to me as if that’s not true, I believe them. So I guess beauty really is only skin deep.  And I’m just realizing that my “beauty” is…. changing. It’s changing into something very different from what I’ve ever known.  It’s not obvious, or drastic.  I’m simply aware that it is happening. It will happen.

Here’s a realization for you, if you are at least 40: No matter what you do, how much Botox or surgery you choose to have, or how many times you tell yourself that you still look just as good as when you were 29, you are (we are) getting older. You will never look the same. Though you can laugh with 25 year olds and feel as though you can relate and be best friends or buds with them, it usually does not happen. You can be friendly with them, but you are never “one of the group” in that young 20-something group of friends.  You are the “older” friend, or whatever, and that is… good. It’s great, actually.

But what does that mean for you?  What does it mean for me?

Like I said, I’m ON IT.  I’m in the process of forming my next identity. So, what will the ME of the future, with gray hair and wrinkles look like?  Will I be the long-haired, introspective, poetic writer/novelist, with a thirst for adventure, cognac and cigars? Will I be the graceful, older woman, with a Linda Evans bob (if you don’t know who she is, please look her up from the original “Dynasty,” television series, would you?), who manages her own world in a regal manner, accepting everyone for who they are? Or will I be the silly, wildly zany Lucille Ball type, who makes everyone, including herself laugh until they pee?  Perhaps I’ll find a way to be all three?

All I know is the more prepared you are, the less taken off-guard you’ll be. I’m really okay to grow up and keep transitioning.  I’m excited to find my new cool space, where “I” will reside when I’m “older.”

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I won’t pretend that there are only four things in this world I didn’t know.  My GOD there are at least tens or hundreds, maybe. What are the things you didn’t know?  Or maybe you have thoughts on my unknowns?  Feel free to start a conversation.  I’ll join you.

Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuuhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious