Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood

My Zany Years Spent Working in Tinsel Town

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The Real Boob Tube

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It’s October, so I’ll throw caution to the wind and talk GORE with a spooky tale called “THE REAL BOOB TUBE.” Though this boob tube is truly bloody, scary, and horrifying, it has absolutely nothing to do with scary films or television. Oh, and you’re going to be singing the praises of my oldest offspring by the end of this article, mark my words. Let me explain.

As I write this, I’m preparing to undergo yet another surgery in the chain of surgeries I’ve had as a result of learning of my BRCA2+ genetic mutation. If you don’t know what a BRCA+ mutation is, please go here and read the article I wrote this past week for the Huffington Post. I’m sorry, I just don’t have an explanation in me right now. The way I feel, after sitting in front of the Big Screen for most of my weekend, tweeting about clients, posting about my upcoming book, writing more of said book and yes, sharing the HuffPost article and posting important messages about Breast Cancer Awareness month etc. etc. etc. infinitum, ad nauseum, I’m plain tired of talking about it.

Suffice it to say, I’ll be under general anesthesia this Wednesday, and I’ll be doing it SANS M.C. Nugget, who, wouldn’t you know, booked a couple of GREAT television gigs over the last couple of weeks. One of them takes him to HAWAII to film an episode of Hawaii Five-O while I’m being doped up and held at knife-point.  So, though I’m pretty happy for Nuggie, I’ll be over here, while he sips Mai Thais on Waikiki.

And it’ll be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kinda surgery. We aren’t living back in 1950, when hospitals were happy to keep you for weeks for things as minor as a tonsillectomy.  If I weren’t spending my first night at a very fancy after-care hotel, I’d be going home, left to my own devices. Yeah, since our lovely insurance companies don’t care to fork over the money to nurse us back to complete health before sending us packing, my older son will come to care for me.

Stop the presses. Yes, it’s true.  I’ll be chillin’ with my chillen’ who will care for me and my bandaged boobies through the rough patches after surgery (that is, after my first night in the very fancy after-care hotel).

Poor guy.

He’s in for a shock, because something most docs don’t tell us in “detail” in regard to surgery (but since it’s October and we’re talking bloody, gooky GORE, I’m here to help) is that often patients are sent home with “drains” (big looonng-ass tubes – aforementioned “Boob Tubes” — that empty out into little pop-open “fluid collection” receptacles). They’re there to allow me to continue oozing and goozing “fluids” to my heart’s content during the initial after-shock of surgery… all from the comfort of my own home.

They did it to me last year after my double mastectomy, and they’ll do it again this year.

I warned you. It’s going to be pure, unadulterated gore over here… a real Halloween Shriek-Fest. I haven’t really warned him yet (oops).

So, while you are all chillin’ in front of your boob tubes, my chillen‘ will be drainin’ my REAL BOOB TUBES.

Fun stuff.

Before You Go:

Please post on Facebook or tweet the below statement, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

SAVE.THE.BOOBIES. If your relatives suffered Ovarian or Breast cancer, GET THE GENETIC SCREENING. #BRCA #BreastCancerAwareness @MsCheevious

And if you’d like, feel free to share this image on your Facebook as well:


DISCLAIMER: We do not own the copyright to Holly Madison in the above picture.

Thanks everyone. Have a great week! I’ll write something super fun and Percocet-induced next time. Wait for it.

Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo

Lisa Jey Davis

aka Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis]Chief

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

Why I’m Glad I’m a Woman – And You Should Be Too

I’m fairly confident I could write an equally flattering post on how wonderful it is to be a man; however I’m not one. It’s great to be a chick. (READ MORE)

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Where There’s a Will There’s A Way (Lisa Jey Davis Related 2 Minute Video)

Yes, you can do anything you put your mind to! In my case, it was to have my final surgery after my BRCA2 Double Mastectomy – which my insurance would not pay for. But it all worked out! You too can do ANYTHING you put your mind to! (Watch)

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

Things We Enjoyed This Week: Eli Roth’s Goretorium & the Mandarin Hotel Las Vegas

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Things We Enjoyed This Week – The Week of September 23, 2012

Eli Roth’s Goretorium in Las Vegas &

The Mandarin Hotel Las Vegas

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Eli Roth’s Goretorium in Las Vegas

What it is: A 24-7, Year-Round Horror Attraction on the Las Vegas strip, right across from the Cosmopolitan

Why We Enjoyed It: Because we were flown in and provided luxurious lodging for the grand VIP opening (and by we, I mean me). That’s enough reason for us, but we also walked down the black carpet (and everyone knows that in the world of horror, black is the new red), and secured sufficient photographs and interviews for our PR client. Our thrill was probably nine tenth’s anticipation, because the place was the dream child of and concocted by Hollywood horror director and actor Eli Roth.

One Thing We Especially Liked: Baby Dolls Nightclub (on the top floor)

We especially liked it because, whew, we’d made it through the “haunt” that was a maze of gore, violence and near zombie attacks. Then voila, there we were in a nightclub, with scantilly clad women handing us free cocktails (this was, of course, because of the grand opening. You won’t get free cocktails if you go there unless you know someone, or are, in fact, Eli Roth. So, please don’t tell them we said you could.), and we could look out over the city of Las Vegas.

We were mesmerized (or horrified, I suppose) by the great wall of dead baby heads.  Yes, dead baby heads. It’s gross, it’s gory and it’s downright disgusting. But hey, Dane Cook made “Baby Punching” comedic, so what were we to expect from the masterminds of gore and horror in this, their pet project?

Another Thing We Liked: The close proximity to the Cosmopolitan Hotel, and our all-time FAVORITE giant stiletto (because, our list of favorite giant stilettos is quite long).

Goretorium is an attraction that will probably thrill most teenagers, any horror fan you know, or those looking for something completely different to do on the Vegas strip. Send them here: GORETORIUM

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The Mandarin Hotel Las Vegas

What it is: A Zen-Like Premiere, Luxury Hotel on the Vegas Strip

Why We Enjoyed It: It’s a refreshing and relaxing luxury hotel experience in Vegas ===> there is no casino… there are no loud nightclubs. The opulence of the lobbies (there are two) and the plush rooms, without the cigarette smoke or whirring, dinging sounds of slot machines nearby make you feel as though you are not in Sin City. The ambient music and atmosphere is uber relaxing. Even the turn-down service consists of rose petals, candles and pebbles by your bedside. It’s perfect for non-smoking gambling addicts, or those addicted to pampering (that’s me). It’s also a perfect retreat after a night of wild and crazy indulgences out on the strip (also me).

One Thing We Especially Liked: What’s not to like? The rooms felt like we were in the most serene of spas. The ground floor lobby accents included deep red tulips on the tables (a personal favorite).  Also the Gold Pillow Wall on the 1st Floor Lobby, and the Gold Nugget Wall on the 23rd Floor Sky Lobby.

Here are some photos:

23rd Floor Sky Lobby

23rd Floor Sky Lobby Golden Nugget Wall


Golden Pillow Wall (and red tulips) – First Floor Lobby – Mandarin Hotel Las Vegas

8th Floor Pool / Deck

A photo that looks like the room I stayed in

You can see more of this hotel in real time in Lisa Jey Davis’ related vlog post here: http://youtu.be/Qpr9asVUAxs

Visit the hotel’s website here, and if you stay there, tell them Ms. Cheevious sent you:
http://www.mandarinoriental.com/lasvegas/default.aspx

Stay tuned for more of the Things We Enjoyed This Week, and perhaps something entirely different.

Breathe…. and Enjoy Every Moment everyone.

Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis]Chief

PS) So sorry the link that said “Don’t Be Shy! Leave a Reply” in last week’s email was incorrect. I’ve hired some new link elves, and I think it’s been rectified for now. No promises on long-term link-elf accuracy. The shelf life of accurate link elves is entirely unpredictable.

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

Things We Enjoyed This Week: Esquire Magazine

Jacobs brings little known current events as well as social mores or cultural quips to our attention in the form of witty birth announcements (READ MORE)

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Why Denis Leary Sucks

Why We Suck Book Cover

Where Ms. Cheevious discussed the book by Mr. Leary, and explains why he sucks, while offering a riveting, page-turning review: Chapters like “Please Drug Your Children” and “Your Kids Are Not Cute” which debunk the myth that we adults all agree with plastered smiles on our dopey faces, that your kid is the best thing since sliced bread – even though we may be attempting to carve out some sort of leisurely existence during our time off from work (which is scant these days).

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

My Evening With Moon Unit Zappa

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Moon Unit Zappa was most famous for being the daughter of musician Frank Zappa, and became known in the 1980’s for a song she sang (or rapped?) called “Valley Girl,” from which her infamous “Oh my GAWD… Gag me with a spoon” lyric came.

Way back when I was finishing law school at Pepperdine, I was living in the basement of an adjunct professor of Law from the school who rented to students like myself. The family had a son who was about seventeen or eighteen and seemed to be a really nice kid. I didn’t know him too well, and didn’t really spend much time with the kid, because I was busy doing my own thing.

One night the kid came up to me and said, “Hey! Come with me to this party up in the hills on Friday! It’s suppose to be really cool!” I was a little hesitant, because even though he was a nice kid and all – well, you know – he was just a kid, and I was twenty-three.. an ancient, wise sage, compared to him. We didn’t really “hang out.”

He must have noticed my uncertainty because he said, “We’re going with a friend of mine Moon Zappa… Frank Zappa’s daughter, and we’ll need to pick her up. Come on!”

The second he said “Zappa,” I was in. I had listened to, tried to figure out and cracked up over songs of Frank Zappa’s like “Stink Foot,” “Excentrifugal” and “Dinah-Moe Hum,” and knew it could be a night to remember.

On Friday, the kid, another friend of his and I drove up to Mulholland or someplace up in the hills to the home of Frank Zappa.  We went up to the door and were invited in by a somewhat nice looking lady. We were sitting on the couch and Moon came out to greet us. She must have been all of fifteen. Her younger brother Dweezil was just a little kid and doing his best to annoy us (and succeeding). The same woman who answered the door asked if she could get us anything to drink, while we were all talking, and then left to get drinks.

“Is that your mom?” I asked Moon.

“Oh no. That’s our witch!” she said, matter-of-factly.

“Your witch!” I choke-laughed.

“Oh, she’s a white witch, and she’s totally cool, but yeah… she’s not our mom!” she said cheerily.

(Photo credit: http://www.frankpicturesgallery.com/artists/lynngoldsmith/index.html)

The Zappa’s having an in-house Witch in their employ was weird-ass scary, but I still couldn’t refrain from my next questions…

“Is your dad here? Can we meet him?”

“Oh no… He’s here, but he’s in the studio recording. We can’t really disturb him.” she said.

At that, we said goodbye to the good witch and hit the road to a party in the hills. Though I was probably one of the older people there, I had a great time. We stayed really late, and had a blast sending Moon around the party guessing people’s astrological signs at our bidding.  She’d sworn she could do it and she did prove it to us — at the party, that is… among all her peers.  We were jabbing her about it, insisting she couldn’t really do it if she didn’t know someone. So, later that evening, we went to Mel’s Diner on Sunset for a bite to eat and I finally said, “Look, you aren’t going to convince us unless you pick someone who’s a complete stranger and guess them correctly.”

So, as we walked out of the parking lot, Moon approached an older couple. She very astutely explained the situation to the folks who were put off a bit, at first (I was pleasantly surprised at how astute she was for the fifteen year old that she was), but softened and laughed with her as they answered a few basic questions (like, “What do you do for a living?” etc). And then she did it. She hit the nail on the head with both of them — they were Capricorn and Pisces, if my memory serves.

We were convinced. We piled into the car and drove Ms. Moon Unit Zappa back to her home, which was overseen by the Good Witch of the hills.

And THAT, my friends, concludes the story of My Evening with Moon Unit Zappa.

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No, my lovely boys and girls… I didn’t go to law school, personally, and I did not, in fact meet or party with Ms. Zappa. But you must admit…. I have some pretty awesome friends with some incredibly great stories, don’t I?

Tune in next time for another one.

Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhh!!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis]Chief

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

Release the Chihuahuas!

Where Ms. Cheevious fantasizes of owning 100 chihuahuas, so she can say “RELEASE the Chihuahuas!” in her best Dr. Evil voice. This one’s a MUST READ.

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Nada Mama


Where Ms. Cheevious talks about absolutely nothing.  For real… oh and being a super-hero Nada Mama…

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

Inner Giggle Override

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Thursday night was the opening of the play “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” the masterpiece by Tennessee Williams, in which my man M.C. Nugget* stars as the male lead, “Brick.” The play opened in Santa Barbara, which is about an hour and a half north of Los Angeles.

On Thursday afternoon at about 2:30 PM I headed up the coast. I won’t give every detail of that debacle of a road trip, but suffice it to say that the super intelligent MapQuest app for my iPhone, when coupled with the blonde hair on my head, erroneously led me through FARM country, with one-lane roads frequented by gigantic tractors. It extended my drive by about, oh an hour. Once I made it to Santa Barbara, I immediately met up with Nuggie and sat down for a cocktail before I did a single.other.thing.

Nuggie gave me advance warning about the length of the play, and was interested to see how the audience would fare for three hours (with one intermission). The verdict? It was stupendous. We (the audience) were enthralled. We laughed, we were tense, we got emotional. Watching and taking-in their production felt like living a great piece of literature.

Afterward, some of the cast, crew and I went out to a nearby restaurant. We must have been giving off that “I love abuse. Would you please treat me badly?” vibe, because we experienced some incredibly inexplicable, bad service. It didn’t matter that we were giving them more money than they (or their food/beverages) were worth. After about forty minutes of abuse (at midnight), the place closed and we headed to a little dive bar called the Wild Cat. From the outside it looked like the kind of place where patrons regularly exit through the plate-glass window. But inside was a mixed-bag of “wild.” There were go-go dancers in the back, beer stained Mardi Gras beads hanging from Jack Daniel’s mirrors from the 70’s, and a clientele that appeared to be gay, but even that became mixed within minutes of our arrival. Apparently many places in Santa Barbara close at midnight during the week.

Speaking of adult beverages (we weren’t, but we were going to),  I believe all humans have a “Stop Drinking Alert System” (SDAS). My SDAS is constantly overridden by other, more powerful forces. Said forces include a) having too little to eat, being b) hormonal, c) tired, d) dehydrated, e) over-worked, f) under-worked, g) broke, h) landing a new client, i) receiving a big windfall of cash, or j) having a friend who wants to celebrate and/or drown in their sorrows. I’m exaggerating, of course, but when you’ve lived any kind of a life, you tend to rack up situations ripe for “SDAS override.”

On Thursday it was my inner giggle that trumped the SDAS. This wasn’t all my fault. Perhaps it was the difficult drive from earlier, or the lack of sleep which has become all too common lately.  But on top of that, one of the cast members — she played “May” – kept cracking funny jokes and BUSTING ME UP! We became BFFs faster than the bar could close at 1:30 AM and shove our giggly butts through the plate glass window (no, they did not even try, and I was a little miffed).

The problem with those evenings when the laughter is “just right” (not too giddy, not too silly) and the drinks seem to be bottomless, is that no one ever wants the evening to end. Ms. May happily announced there was more wine back at the hotel. So, naturally we all gathered in one of the rooms and drank that wine (and laughed more) for three more hours.

Three more hours.

M.C. Nugget’s suggestions to put the evening (and me) to bed fell on deaf ears… or laughing lips.

Ms. May and I were like two sorority girls giggling about the frat boys across the room. It was utterly ridiculous and more pointless fun than I’ve had in a very long time.

But I’m tired now.

I had no idea my inner giggle could so easily override my Stop Drinking Alert System and keep me awake into the wee hours of the morning. This, after I’d slept a whole four hours the previous night. I’d like to know if there is such thing as an Inner Giggle Override, and if so, where can I pick one up? Amazon?

Tune in next time you gorgeous individuals, when I’ll have something extra special for ya.

Love you people!!!! Mmmphhhuuuhhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

*M.C. Nugget and the entire cast of characters on Ms. Cheevious are described here.

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

Are You a Friend of Bill?

Where Ms. Cheevious talks about her experience with this secret guy.. or code… or whatever…

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HIT ME BEE-OTCH!

Where Ms. Cheevious’ hair stylist, Scissor Sister shares the naughty, hilair-lair details of her trip to Vegas.

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You can also follow Ms. Cheevious’ beau M.C. Nugget on Twitter, and NOW on his Facebook Page!

All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious

The Elephant in the Room: Idioms in Real Time

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When I talk to my friends and family, I’m constantly making jokes.  These are not razor sharp wit-filled jokes, no. My jokes tend toward sheer utter silliness. My thing is to use idioms to get a laugh. It’s a sickness, really. For example, today I grabbed stuffed mushrooms from the refrigerator that had been sitting, festering for too long, and I said to M. C. Nugget, “Uh-oh! Honey! There’s a ‘fungus among us’.”

I know.  Kill you now.

I would tell you I’m sorry for that, but I’m PRITTTY DARN worried about myself right now. Think about it. Think of the pressure I must feel to be able to constantly apply idioms in a literal way. Eventually I’m going to run out of real-life situations.  It’s not like I’m planning to go into a broken down, leaky submarine anytime soon, where I’ll be able to say, “That’s as funny as a screen door on a submarine.”  Let’s hope not.

But I thought up some fun idioms and found images on the internet to help you imagine what it could look like in REAL life:

A Chip on His Shoulder

This I could make happen.


The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

I have used this figuratively all the time, but I just don’t see a way it’s going to happen in real life.

A Drop in the Bucket

Seriously?  One drop? That’s one I can DEFINITELY make happen. Oh the fun never stops.

Useless as Tits on a Bull

This one may be a bit difficult… but it was funny.

The Elephant in the Room

Wouldn’t it be awesome to be some place…. maybe the Natural History Museum, in the room with Woolly Mammoths… walk up to the exhibit with your friends and say “Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?”  Well, it’d be great for me, but this is why I should probably be committed. Because I would REALLY do that.

YOUR CHALLENGE:

There were so many of these great sayings, I couldn’t do them all justice. Your mission is to tell me how you could apply any of these idioms (or those below) to real life situations!  Feel free to provide links to images that tell your story in the comments.

If the idioms here in this article don’t do it for you there is a link at the bottom, where I got them. Have fun. I look forward to your input!  Fun times!

MORE IDIOMS

Blessing in Disguise

Come Hell or High Water

A Dime a Dozen

Graceful as a pig on ice

Don’t Throw me Under the Bus

The Cat’s Meow

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Don’t be a Doubting Thomas

That’s a Piece of Cake – Don’t I WISH I could say this literally. Like, every day.

No Pot to Piss In

12 Kinds of Stupid

Day late and a dollar short

Square peg in a round hole

The Cat’s Out of the Bag

http://www.idiomsite.com

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And now, for pure comic relief:

What’s the best way to attack a circus? Go for the juggler! Yuck Yuck!

See you next time, for something really ridonk-ulous.

Love you people!!!! Mmmphhhuuuhhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

Editor in (Mis) Chief

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Register to receive blog posts via email on the Ms. Cheevious Home page. Be sure to confirm when you receive your verification email!

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Other articles you may enjoy from Ms. Cheevious:

MY PHANTOM OVARY

Would I suffer alternating bouts of uncontrollable laughter, to screaming… then weeping? (and that’s just Nuggie!) So, I did myself and everyone else around me a favor,,,

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ALOHA NATIONAL CHICKEN MONTH

Where Ms. Cheevious tells of her spontaneous adventure to HAWAII.  YAY!  Who DOESN’T love a last minute trip to HAWAII!?

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All Blog content copyright 2012, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious